Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Black Women Making News Alongside the Satanists

Melissa Harris-Perry, a black woman who apparently is some kinda liberal news host, tearfully apologized to Mitt Romney (yes, Mitt fucking Romney) because she said some (basically true) ish about him.
Electrifying Conclusion: Seriously though, when you read the article you're gonna be like, "Huh? She's apologizing for THAT?" For saying that Republicans have a knack for showing off their token black connection (and making a lame joke about Kimye's child)? All of a sudden she's the black Justine Sacco? GTFOH. Shame on...her. She should've NEVER apologized. I blame her mixedness. Her black side should've been unapologetic. Personally, I don't think any black person anywhere should suffer any consequences because of racist comments. Mixed blacks get to enjoy this privilege as well. It's one of our only privileges recognized by this racist-ass society. She's effing the game up for all of us by acting like we care what non-blacks think about what we say regarding race. And her white side should've kept it real "Duck Dynasty" and been like "These are my beliefs, this is how I was raised. Bald eagles and hunting rifles. God bless America." But she let the tragic mulatto part of her take over, and fell on her sword. I got a sword for her half-a-Thandie-Newton-looking-ass to fall on. And I'd hip her to game while she was falling, over and over again. Kidding, I'm married. But I do have some advice for Ms. Harris-Perry, should she choose to heed: No one has to EVER apologize to Mitt Romney for ANYTHING. Ever. For anything.

The U.S. is going through a crazy cold spell, and guys are keeping it real "Heat Before Hoes" in these streets, I tell ya. Travelling to see chicks, unless it's real crucial, is being kept to an extreme minimum from what Instagram is talking. I aint saying that if you find yourself alone and not with the guy you think you're dating, then you're the ill side chick, but...if you find yourself alone trying out new soup recipes, watching every episode of "Revenge," and not with the guy you think you're dating, then you're the ill side chick. Nothing wrong with a bit of clarity.

A New York City-based religious group called the Satanic Temple (clever of them not to choose a name that too-obviously reflects their religious beliefs) wants to erect a badass Baphomet statue by the Oklahoma Statehouse. Oklahoma Statehouse doesn't seem to be too into it.

"The group offered to donate a monument last month, after State Rep. Mike Ritze (R-Broken Arrow) and conservative Christians were allowed to erect a Ten Commandments monument on the statehouse grounds.
Lawmakers in Oklahoma, however, have insisted that the Satanists should not be given the same treatment as Christians."

Electrifying Conclusion: I'm no devil worshipper (and Baphomet doesn't even necessarily have Satanic origins), but tell me that statue ain't badass. And no way their spokesman's name is actually Lucien Greaves. God, er, gosh, that's boss. I had to stop reading the article after a few paragraphs, because if I discovered one more ill fact about these guys, I would've requested a brochure, but I did notice that PETA also petitioned to erect a monument. So it's not like the Satanists were just being annoying-ass devil worshippers trying to build some evil shit in the heartland, they were making a statement about constitutionality that other reputable groups such as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (yes, it's a real church) were also trying to make. I say, what the hell, monuments for everybody! You get a monument, he gets a monument, she gets a monument, everybody gets a monument!

As a birthday gift, President Obama is letting First Lady Michelle Obama stay in Hawaii and hit up the clubs with her friends, while he takes his leggy daughters back to the Capitol. It's a 50th birthday present. Why do I see some sort of black Christian Grey (Christian Black?) figuring somewhere into this?

I know it was creepy and honest of me to call his daughters leggy. Click the link and tell me I'm lyin' though.

Sasheer Zamata is "Saturday Night Live's" newest cast member. This is a big deal because she's the first black female cast member since...Ellen Cleghorne. 
Electrifying Conclusion: I aint counting Maya Rudolph, SORRY. She looks white. The kind that makes you think "she does have a little tint to her" once you realize who her parents are. But nah, she looks white, I don't care how well she threw on the black accent. But she does get the privilege of saying anything she wants about race and not suffering any consequences. *shrug*
By the way, I don't find shit like what went down when Kerry Washington (ugh) hosted "SNL" funny:

"The producers at 'Saturday Night Live' would like to apologize to Kerry Washington for the number of black women she will be asked to play tonight. We made these requests both because Ms. Washington is an actress of considerable range and talent, but also because 'SNL' doesn’t currently have a black woman in the cast. As for the latter, we realize this is not an ideal situation and look forward to rectifying it in the near future ... unless, of course, we fall in love with another white guy first."

I aint even gonna go into my thoughts about white people being real comfortable with making jokes of their racism nowadays, jokes you're called uptight and non-progressive for not laughing along with. Well, I guess I just did go into it. Now allow me to get out of it...From what I read, they just hired this chick so Keenan from "Keenan and Kel" wouldn't have to keep dressing in drag. I don't even watch "SNL," but that sounds like a great reason to hire a black chick to me. I don't enjoy watching Keenan OUT of drag (no offense dude; I've never been a fan of big-boned black comedy).

Friday, August 30, 2013

The Last (821) Word(s) On The Miley Cyrus Situation

This has very little to do with this post. I just thought it was funny as hell.

Now we have the people who are STARK, RAVING MAD at, or trying really really hard to say something cleverly condescending to, anyone who decided to join in the pop culture discussion of the moment - Miley Cyrus. And in doing so, they just end up...joining the pop culture discussion of the moment - Miley Cyrus. If you hate that people are giving her, and not more "important" (what a subjective term) issues attention, why waste characters and energy that could be going to the "important" issue on the topic you claim to hate? The web hits will translate to popularity which translate to further fame and riches for Miley, and in the end there will be no distinction made for you because your tweet, status, comment or blog tried to go against what you felt like the masses shouldn't have been feeling. In the end, you're message still looks/sounds like "Something something something MILEY CYRUS something something something else." 

But I don't fault you because I realize what you may not - that people just want/need to express strong feelings. And yes, sometimes it is a silly musical performance or a reality show or a weird trend that invokes this feeling. Let's not act like people don't react to "important" issues the same way; Trayvon Martin and equal marriage rights for gays hasn't exactly been ignored on Facebook and twitter and in the blogosphere. If you want people to pay more attention to Syria or midterm elections or The Illuminati, telling them "You're stupid for commenting on Miley Cyrus like I'm commenting on Miley Cyrus right now by telling you how stupid you are for commenting on Miley Cyrus, when The Illuminati is about to engage in another illegal war" is not going to endear your intended listener to your message. And you have to know this. Which sort of makes me think that you're trolling for "likes" and retweets by the choir you're preaching to. I'm an educator by profession and you know what kind of teacher is least effective? The kind who is always telling the kids "You need to stop playing those video games and iPads and study your math more, and pay more attention to your social studies." The best teachers are the ones who make the students want to be concerned with their studies by showing the teacher's own passion for math/social studies and putting all focus on it. Or even utilizing the video games to get the students focused on their studies. Now, I'm not saying that it wouldn't then be annoying to see a PSP in math class, just like it would be appalling for someone to be tweeting about the VMAs during a city council meeting, but all of it coexists. I'm not saying you should try to raise awareness for the prison industrial complex by creating a twerk video either. But if you're really trying to get people focused on more serious issues, maybe you can take a page or a just a sentence out of how the pop culture folks are doing it. Teachers learn to adapt the iPads and the video games to the classroom. Maybe you feel like you're doing that through social media, but you're not using social media effectively for your cause by ranting about how stupid other people are for what/who they give attention to. 

Miley Cyrus annoyed the living crap out of me, but obviously, because I previously blogged about her (I actually did 2 years ago also, briefly, about pretty much the same current topic), her performance was able to arouse some strong feelings in me (to be honest though, I'm just as annoyed by Robin Thicke's overrated rape-y song that can do no wrong that everyone gives a pass to just because it has a nice groove it hijacked from Marvin Gaye and everyone seems to love a soulful white guy, BUT I don't go tapping out word upon word telling you why you shouldn't listen to him and that he's nothing but a more annoying Jon B., do I?*). But I also blogged about Syria and have been posting statuses about the situation for a while. You can be intrigued by both subjects (and trust me, because of my location, I have A LOT of reasons to be intrigued by the latter). Yes, we all know that millions upon millions are brainwashed by the media to pay more attention to pop culture than they are to politics, and that's not a good thing. It's a bad thing. (Although, last time I checked, politics was just as outrageous of a circus as anything that went on at any MTV awards show.) But is an angry, condescending Facebook status, tweet or blog post your best strategy for bringing about a change in where people are focusing their energy? Maybe you should look at changing where you're focusing yours?

*see what I did there?

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Ben Affleck, Miley and Syria

Ben Affleck has been cast as Batman in the next Superman flick. The Internet is not happy.
There have been a host of petitions started by folks demanding that Ben Affleck not assume this role. One even wants there to be a law making it ILLEGAL for this to happen.

Electrifying conclusion: This will be the longest conclusion you’ve ever seen on this blog because I’ve had a while to sit with this one and I really gotta be thorough with it, so you truly understand how you should feel about it. The Internet is unhappy again. It tends to get that way over really important things like this. And if I knew where The Internet lived I might pay The Internet a visit, or even write The Internet a letter reminding The Internet how pissy it got over the announcement that Heath Ledger would be thenext Joker.
I’d also make The Internet aware of the fact that Christian Bale wasn’t even that good of a Batman (shoot, in two of the three films he was outshined by the antagonist), he just made sure not to screw up a really good franchise while playing a very important role. You know what the sports equivalent of Bale is? The point guard/quarterback on a really good team who isn’t a great talent, but plays smart, mistake-free ball and isn’t a liability to his team (Joe Flacco, Alex Smith, Derek Fisher). Just like those are guys who may not have the kind of package the superstars have at their positions, but do a few things well that help the team win (accuracy, clutch performance, game management, locker room presence), Bale had enough things going for him (a good look, some acting chops, didn’t overplay the role {see: The Great Adam West} or treat it with condescension {see: George Clooney}) that enabled him to be neither a bad Batman, nor someone who made it impossible for anyone else to seem like they could succeed in the role after him (sort of like how The Internet felt about Jack Nicholson’s Joker before it felt like that about Heath Ledger’s Joker).
Now, I’m not downplaying what Bale did, he’s a superstar, a good actor who’s starred in multiple roles I’ve enjoyed. And it’s hard to assume an iconic comic book character role and play it well enough over the course of three movies to not get derided at some point (although I think his flaws or maybe a general disposition of boredom sort of showed throughout “DKR,” my favorite of the trilogy), even when you have talents to lean on such as Chris Nolan, Tom Hardy, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Maggie Gyllenhaal, the aforementioned Ledger and Tiny “Zeus” Lester.
"You thought I was really gonna do it, didn't ya? Racist."
I’m just saying that The Internet shouldn’t act like Ben taking over for Bale is like trying to succeed Tom Brady as New England Patriots quarterback.
Now back to Ben Affleck.
Do we really still hate Ben Affleck?
I mean, c’mon, do we really still find him as impossibly annoying as we did, say, a decade ago? Really? I mean, why? I can barely remember why we hated him so much in the first place, but I remember hating him just as zealously as the The Internet does – in 2002. I remember him being the man when he came out as part of the dynamic Boston duo. Then he kind of just started to seem annoying to me in his subsequent film roles. At some point there was something about a horrible movie called “Gigli” I never pronounced right, him kissing J-Lo’s asscheek in an equally horrible music video (a lot that wasn’t hate, that was hatin’), and him taking too much of the blame for the abomination that was “Daredevil” (like I said, it’s hard trying to take on an iconic comic book character; I think Colin Farrell would’ve made a dooope Daredevil though). But, are those the reasons we still hate Ben Affleck? Aston Kutcher’s career has been much cornier, in my opinion, and yet he isn’t hated with the same fervor as Ben. If I may cross platforms for a second, Jon Mayer is infinitely grosser than Ben and he’s always one derivative hit away from being treated somewhat respectably as he bones the next starlet in need of a good rebound in her pants.
You know what I think Ben’s worst offense is? He’s not Matt Damon. They debuted together (notice how I treat actors breaking onto the scene as if they were hit records making a splash at radio and the billboard charts  - “yo, Mena Suvari went platinum when she came out in ‘American Beauty’ but she aint have a hot joint since”), but critically, the years have been much kinder to Matt. I feel like Ben was the bigger star at the outset, but soon after, Matt became the one with more acclaimed films and roles, and his reputation outside of work is sterling. Everyone loves Matt Damon to the point where it’s pretty much a joke. Don’t believe me? Check out his guest appearance on “House Of Lies,” where he plays a caricature of himself, and spends the entire episode acting like the worst human being ever, doing drugs and whores, manipulating people, and getting away with all of it, because people think Matt Damon is a saint - no - a god.
"Bow at the altar of St. Damon!"
And hey, Matt Damon is pretty damn awesome – this clip made me a fan for life. But Ben Affleck suffers because of the connection. Even me, a guy who typed out a few hundred words defending him, I rank him behind at least 4 or 5 other guys on my “Boston Guy” list that begins with - you got it - Matt Damon, then goes to Mark Wahlberg  John Cena, lemme see, um, CT from “The Real World,” Ray Benzino, and then there’s Maude, er, Ben Affleck. But I don’t hate the guy; The Internet and everyone else hates him. And I truly feel like, after all this time has passed, after he’s done all this charity work and garnered major props for “Argo,” he should be forgiven and looked at as a decent actor with something to offer, but he’s basically hated because he isn’t Matt Damon. Because he had the misfortune to not enter the world through Matt Damon’s mother’s birth canal, a product of Matt Damon’s father’s sperm. Harsh life.
Anyway, Internet, lay off Ben Affleck. He might not be Matt Damon, but then again, who the hell is besides, well, Matt Damon? I hear that Batman isn’t even all that major in the new Superman flick, they don’t delve all into his character and feature his story like that. They just wanted a different, older, made kind of Batman to school Superman on superhero stuff (“Ayo Clark, peep game tho’; haters gon’ hate, my man. You gotta brush ‘em off ya shoulders like Jay-Z said. I mean, I don’t even got superpowers and I got beef with 5-0, clowns, regular people, scarecrows and terrorists. But you?! Shiiiit, you can fly, my dude! And you shoot lasers from ya eyes! That’s that new heat right there! Cats gon’ be hatin’ on you all day. Lex Luthor, Doomsday, all them lames are haters. But you just do you, perch on top of skyscrapers and stuff when you need a moment to think, keep ya suit pressed and ya identity on the low, and remember why you even got in this game – for the money, fame and hoes, haha! Nah, for saving the world and all that. But on the low though, they got some hoes out there that will give it up just to for a flight across Metropolis. I aint sayin’ you should take advantage of such things, but I’m also not sayin’ that the gig doesn’t have it’s perks, you feel me? You feel me.”) So let Ben slide into the role, and if he screws it up, then we’ll ridicule him all the way back to his multi-million dollar mansion, beautiful actress spouse and movie star life.

I don't know y’all, it’s not that I don’t get why y’all show him love, Justin Timberlake, he’s good, but I think Adam Levine is cooler than JT can dream of being. Shrugs.com

Saw somewhere someone said imagine if the Yankees pull out the wildcard, A-Rod has a mammoth postseason and the commissioner has to present him with the
trophy! I’d spontaneously combust from the joyful ridiculousness of it all.

Miley Cyus went all early 2000s Britney at the MTV Video Music Awards 2013. The Internet felt angry, violated, outraged and everything else except turned on.

Electrifying conclusion: “Somewhere in America…Miley Cyrus is twerkin’.” Yes, I know that bar rang loud throughout the heads of everyone who illegally obtained “Magna Carta” as they watched Miley with the look of at least one of the Smith family on their faces. Jay-Z delivered that line almost with the undertone of “Y’all think this chick is annoying now? Haha, she’s just gettin’ started!” She can’t think she’s being original, in the midst of the same sweetheart-to-slut transition that we’ve seen countless times before and saw coming from her many moons ago. (Anyone else notice how badly she wants to be Rihanna? Her new song sounds exactly like a Rihanna song and she seems to take all her style and skank cues from the Bajan pop star.) All this stuff you’re aware of, however. The thing that struck me though, was The Internet’s reaction. I kn
ow that I gave The Internet a lot of flack regarding Ben Affleck, but I have to say, it won me over just as quickly with it’s decisive and unified skewering of Miley Cyrus.
Now I know that a man my age should have no business caring about what the hell a 20 year old songstress is doing to get herself vilified. But a man my age also has no business eating Nutella and digestive biscuits in nothing but boxers and a championship belt in front of the television while watching WWE’s “Monday Night Raw” every Tuesday evening (that’s when we get it over here). We all do things we probably shouldn’t. Moving on. The real story here is, again, The Internet. It’s been a feisty coupla weeks for The Internet, hasn’t it? This event was one of the rare times when I saw the Internet respond EXACTLY how I felt it should, with no exceptions or disclaimers. Yes, I saw a couple of instances that bordered on defense of Miley’s act in the name of being anti-slut-shaming (personally, I don’t shame actual sluts, just pseudo-sluts like her) and the occasional tweet about The Internet’s lack of reaction to the inherent racism in everything Miley does (racism is tiring, a pass is granted every now and again just out of the sheer exhaustion it takes to remain vigilant about it; it’s like when I was a teacher and there were certain kids I NEVER let go to bathroom, but they were so unrelenting in their willingness to continue asking period after period, day after day, that I’d just say “Come right back and don’t do anything to get into trouble,” knowing that the former wouldn’t happen and the latter would), but for the most part, the Internet restored the faith in it I was pretending to lose by showing me that it can still draw the correct conclusions about the really important things in life.

Wow, I definitely came back to “T.E.C.” a li’l bit wordy, haven’t I?

Pardon me and my “never been nowhere or had nothin’ nice” ass, but I did not know there were towels with hooks built in. Monumental.

In response to the Syrian government apparently using chemical weapons on it’s citizens, The
Unites States of America is gearing up to lead an attack on Syria…

Electrifying conclusion: …that will result in the deaths of even more Syrians. I’m not anti-military or anything, but let’s be honest. If an alien came to our planet and saw all of the atrocities going on all across the globe, like the regimes in power in Africa, and Southeast Asia who have raped, starved and killed hundreds of thousands, and then tried to deduce why the U.S. is so gung-ho about going into particular countries with the lives of thousands of young men and women on the line, do you think that alien would be swayed by the argument that the reason is “human rights?” No, the alien would go back to his planet, show them a video of Miley Cyrus and say “This is what they call ‘twerking,’ a form of celebration invented by this human,” and then say “The country over on what they, for some reason, call the ‘eastern hemisphere,’ the big one with all the money, the weapons and the people in cages, they go to great lengths to convince their people that everything they do isn’t about staying on top through control of resources and friendly governments. And there are even people in their country who they don’t have to convince.” This article states, among many other things, how the country I currently reside in would benefit economically from a change in regime in Syria as well.
Syria, like many countries during Arab spring, changed very drastically, very quickly. Some of my colleagues worked there and absolutely loved it, and also had to leave everything behind as they high-tailed it out of there just a couple of years ago. With Iran and Russia talking tough right back to the United States, believe me, I’m over here living snugly in between Iran and Saudi Arabia, monitoring this situation like I monitor the guys who come into the house party who no one seems to know. I’m going to be the first one to say “These guys are about to do something crazy, and not in a good way. If there are any phone numbers you didn’t get that you really can’t live without, you got two minutes before it’s time to skate.”

Y’all come on back on, ya hear? And make sure to tell a friend about “The Electrifying Conclusion” and my blog about my life trying not raise hell as a black dude where there ain’t any, “Broha.”

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Inmate Floyd, Everybody Hates Kris, Mel Divorces Life

Floyd got himself 87 days in jail. Pretty much because he's a douche who likes to beat up on women (do a bit of google-search if you disagree and feel so inclined), has gotten away with it for a good while, and he went up against a woman judge who felt like he should practice "protecting himself at all times" from inmates.

Electrifying conclusion: Love to see Floyd fight. One of the best, one of my faves. Not a fan of his person though. I don't exalt someone because of talent. You wouldn't like him AT ALL if he was a guy you kinda knew and behaved how he does. This ain't about race and sports and society too much with him. He's a douche, a jerk. And you'd be concerned on many levels if you were around someone like that for a significant amount of time. I've been around such dudes. They don't care about anyone's physical well-being, they are petty and prone to humiliating others, they are a threat to females in a number of ways, and they have no remorse about any of it. Their douchery is self-recharging, each act enabling the next to be done with greater gusto. Don't look for reasons to idolize such characters due to them being uniquely skilled.

New Jersey Net Kris Humphries, who is somewhere in this pic stuffed in between Kim Kardashian's asscheeks, was booed mercilessly at a preseason game vs. the Knicks at MSG. He was also voted the Most Disliked Player in the NBA, surpassing Lebron James. http://espn.go.com/los-angeles/nba/story/_/id/7379217/kris-humphries-most-disliked-nba-player-according-survey

Electrifying conclusion: First off, people booed LJ because he's attention-seeking, immature, soft and they'd rather he have a li'l more AI in him (although he's infinitely less bitch-made than Kobe in my opinion). They didn't boo KH for similar reasons, but then again that doesn't matter at all. Well, no, it kinda does. Although foul, the reasons I listed for booing LJ are generally accepted within the manly culture of sports. But as far as KH, it seems like he's being booed for reasons that would mark the booers guilty of bitchassness to a much greater degree than anything they are charging KH with. Because none of the reasons for booing him are acceptable coming from any self-professed sporting sort. I mean, was he booed as the villain in the marriage sham? Was he unlikable on the show? (Like anyone should give a DAMN about THAT.) Do the boos mean the fans side with Kim? I still don't get it. Because if the boos were that loud, they must have come from both genders. But let's say they didn't. If they came from women mostly, I have to say that those are some confused bitches because personally, I've NEVER met a chick who likes Kim K or cares about any bad luck that befalls her. (Then again, maybe the mob mentality revealed their true colors and showed how much support bitches really do have for her because she HAS made ten figures off of her ability to garner attention and NOTHING else.) But more than likely, the boos came from men as well, and well, that's not so acceptable, is it? I mean, you go to MSG to see STARLEMANDER (jump on that nickname for our new big three, it'll get going eventually) hold (front)court after a lockout, and you choose to expend energy jeering the doofy reality show refugee (instead of Jared Jeffries)? *shrugs* I guess if you pay for a seat, you can pass game time heckling the beer vendor if you want to. You'd just be a bigger loser than last (and this) year's Netropolitans for doing so. This is where I stand: Personally, I have no qualms with the way it all (the marriage, I mean) went down on his end. At first I thought he was a "suflan" (sucker for love ass nigga), but really, he's like 26, he was smashin' a chick many people wanna smash, probably raw doggy, and DIDN'T get her preggers. He got more face time than his double-double stats would ever get him, and he got to run around actin' up on tv. I don't have a problem with any of that. I just think his lack of experience got him caught up and in a li'l too deep, and once he realized what he committed to, who he committed to, and the level of commitment he agreed to, he skizzated. Since I doubt KK was in it for the love, I don't think anyone should begrudge him a thing. Moving on...

The divorce settlement is in, and Mel (Give the Jews Hell) Gibson is splitting half of close to a billion with his ex-wife Robyn. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45780078/ns/today-entertainment/#.TvXfNPKwXa8

Electrifying conclusion: I bet she's a lynx in bed dude. Chicks who spell Robyn with a y give me that impression. Anyway, I mean, like, whatever dude, part of me is like, "He keeps half a billy and severs ties. Whatever. If she was with him for 3 decades, I'm SURE she's put up w/a half-a-billion worth of shit from him since he was a "once-oh-so-desirable-action-star-turned all the way up through him being a
creepy-anti-semite-recluse-who-makes-long-films-in-long-dead-languages. I say fair deal." But then, part of me remembers his recent relationship issues and almost (aaaaalmooooost) feels sorry for him on some "Damn! He paid 400,000,000+ to go seed up the next fugly foreign chick and then get caught telling her that he hopes she gets raped by a pack of wild niggers?! (That was Mel, right, and not Dog the Bounty Hunter?) Shiiiit. Mel ain't having a good go at it in his later years." And then yet ANOTHER part of me is like, "Aston Kutcher is such a horrible actor; who did he buttfuck to stay A-list?...I think I'll make a grilled cheese sandwich at some point today."

By the way, after saying Jews are responsible for all the world's wars, he said "I am reaching out to the Jewish community. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed." What the H dude? Where's the "I am reaching out to the nigga (and female) community. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed?" Dude told Oksana, "You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f--king pig in heat and if you get raped by a pack of n---ers it will be your fault. I am going to come and burn the f--king house down...but you will blow me first." Niggas and women told me they want an apology too. And that if they make another "Lethal Weapon" Danny Glover gotta be the one doing all the fresh shit. Those are our demands.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Move Over Hannah - There's A New Montana In Smutville! (Ooh, That Was Harsh)

Laurence Fishburne's daughter is hoping to fast-track herself to porn stardom. "Rather than submit an acting reel or attend auditions, young Montana Fishburne plans to use a sex tape to increase her profile and give her a foothold in the film industry.

According to a press release, Vivid Entertainment, which also distributed Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian's sex tape, will handle the release of Montana Fishburne's self-titled video, which is due out August 18th.

She said she was inspired by Kim Kardashian, who shot to instant fame after her own sex tape was made public several years ago.

"I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape by Vivid," Fishburne said in the press release." I'm hoping the same magic will work for me. I'm impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it."

Electrifying conclusion: Her pops is pulling in "CSI" paper, and they are NOT estranged. So yeah, we've moved to a new level of instant gratification and nonsense logic. She's patterning her career path after Kim Kardashian, because well, who wouldn't? Meaning she's hoping that some current high school McDonald's All-American will be slutting her out around, oh, let's say 2015. She doesn't want to do ANYTHING that will take ANY real effort, and is willing to accept a sliver of infamy (she's after the fame, not success, if you ask me, which you didn't but you should have) and try to dress it up as achievement of some sort. I really don't feel like she's doing it for the bread, and if it was about some sort of success, is school or some sort of work not an option? I guess gettin' her face moisturized by Brian Pumper takes work, but whatever...yo, lemme tell you about an incident we had with this dude a few years back. Pumper, a Lloyd Banks look-alike by the way, was at a club my crew was at with our ladies one night, walking around with a mini-dvd player showing off his work. Once my dude Staff Ace realized what was going on, and that his girl was one of the chicks he was showing his film to (I don't know why; constructive criticism maybe?) , Ace assumed some sort of solicitation was going on and screamed on his chick, pulled her away and then prepared to give Pumper the type of pounding he wouldn't enjoy. Mr. Porn Star must've been alone because he wanted no parts of Ace and copped all sorts of pleas, which ended in him telling Ace that he could also make a lucrative living filming himself trying not to get STD's and showing it to other niggas' girls in clubs. I played my usual voice of reason role and simmered things down. Good times...but back to the chick who already has a porn name - Montana Fishburne (where the hell did she get "Chippy D" from?) - yeah she's a slattern. Not for wanting to fuck on tape, but for selling her soul through her pussy, unnecessarily, at 19.
R.I.P. to Jack Tatum. He's the former Oakland Raiders great who paralyzed another player, Daryl Stingley, for life with a hit during a game. Many believe that a lack of remorse on his part has kept him out of the Football Hall of Fame. From what I've gathered Jack just felt like he was doing nothing but playing a violent game the way it should be played. No judgment here. Tragedy no matter how you look at it.

There are rumors of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler being the next "American Idol" judges after Kara Dioguardi was fired after just two seasons and Ellen DeGeneres quit after one (yeah right, she knew she was gonna get fired and tried to take a li'l control over the situation - I aint mad though, that's good bidness!).

Electrifying conclusion: I don't watch "Idol" much, but the revolving judge situation is mildly amusing. Simon Cowell is VERY amusing and without him, you don't get the casual fan, obviously. J.Lo and Steven might though, if I might personalize things a bit. I haven't found J.Lo compelling in anything she's done after South Central, but I anticipate her mannequinization of one of their judge slots being an entertaining 7th viewing option on a slow t.v. night when my wife has a "headache." And Steven Tyler might actually have some really good insight for the young hopefuls. Even still, ratings probably won't ever return to the Simon-Randy-Paula days unless they start letting rappers try out. In front of the same judges. THAT'LL be worth my brain rotting for an hour or so.

As much as I'm not a fan of the person, the actor Angelina Jolie was as bad a bitch in "Salt" as she was in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith," "Wanted," and probably a few other flicks I never watched because she was involved. Saw it last night, and was magnetized every second.

Yo, Chippy looks like a whore-rified Amerie, doesn't she? She looks good to go, bro. I might support.

Remember the DC Sniper Lee Boyd Malvo? Well, he confessed to William Shatner (yeah, mad random, right?) about other murders he committed, I guess in addition to the killings he's serving time for, the joints that shut down VA and Maryland a while back. He and his mentor apparently tried to recruit a whole gang of shooters to do more damage nationwide. Wild.

Electrifying conclusion: So the alleged motive for the mass murders was a desire to help homeless black kids. Remember that Malvo was acting under the direction of John Muhammed, who told him that "the $10 million ransom sought from the US government to stop the sniper killings would be used to establish a Utopian society for 140 black homeless children on a Canadian compound." But check this shit out - The Real Plan: Part of his testimony concerned Muhammad's complete, multiphase plan. His plan consisted of three phases in the Washington, D.C. and Baltimore metro areas. Phase One consisted of meticulously planning, mapping, and practicing their locations around the DC area. This way after each shooting they would be able to quickly leave the area on a predetermined path, and move on to the next location. Muhammad's goal in Phase One was to kill six white people a day for 30 days. Malvo went on to describe how Phase One did not go as planned due to heavy traffic and the lack of a clear shot and/or getaway at different locations.

Phase Two was meant to be moved up to Baltimore. Malvo described how this phase was close to being implemented, but never was carried out. Phase Two was intended to begin by killing a pregnant woman by shooting her in the stomach. The next step would have been to shoot and kill a Baltimore police officer. At the officer's funeral, there were to be created several improvised explosive devices. These explosives were intended to kill a large number of police, since many police would attend another officer's funeral.

The last phase was to take place very shortly after, if not during, Phase Two. The third phase was to extort several million dollars from the U.S. government. This money would be used to finance a larger plan: to travel north into Canada and recruit other effectively orphaned boys to use weapons and stealth, and send them out to commit shootings across the country."
Ambitious. I once spit a rhyme that stated, "I lay it down like mouse pads/ and got the same kinda father figures Lee Malvo had." I thought that was hard, but it was really just dumb. But it was kinda hard though. Just call me M.C. UndaInvestigation.

I'm StarPower and I approve this message.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

"Greatest Trickery" & The Lauryn Hill Myth

Lauryn Hill has been fooling the world for the past 15 years.

She helps sustain the "greatest trick-ery," as first described by Verbal Kint in "Usual Suspects," but jargonized by StarPower & Mercury during numerous rant sessions. Referring to the ghastly gangster Keyser Soze, Kint states, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist." So the template goes, "The greatest trick ('A'- conniving trickster) ever pulled was convincing ('B' - unknowing victim{s}) believe ('A' did something 'A' really didn't, but is widely creditd with)." The greatest trick Lauryn Hill ever pulled was making music fans believe she was great at anything besides creating enough mystique to get people to make her seem more talented than she actually is. Yes the album was dope. But it was just that - "the" album. One. Something has to be said for an artist actually, you know, creating art. It wasn't the greatest any kind of album of all time, she had EXTREMELY talented collaborators who bought into her b.s. (that mystique!), AND I believe the rumors that she takes credit for work she didn't do AT ALL b/c I know someone she tried to rip off, and because I want to.

Yet millions of Pan-African Pams & Rootsy Ricks will forever let her legend live off of that one trick and I guess "The Score," which was just as dope and guided by the talents of the man, her ex, who probably was the original dred who really sent her psyche into warp drive. How many dope collabs has she done in the past decade? C'mon man, an artist has to create. What has she done that has set any trends or broke any ground since? How often do you even hear her standing up about any issues? Mentoring anyone? Communicating with her "fan base?" Who is this lady?!

I swear, I credit her with "greatest trickery" only approached by maybe Eminem's media machine (who took some very funny shots at her early on) convincing the urban fan that he doesn't make the WHITEST music in the world. Dude; this guy dresses like Bono now, sings god-awful contrived triumph melodies all the time, makes mediocre stadium songs, and pulled off your standard white artist "I'm outta control, I'm not, I am, I'm getting arrested, I'm on drugs, music is my therapy, I wanted to kill myself, I'm back to being who I never was" charade that was even more predictable than his duet partner Rhianna's "homely hottie to I'm not a whore but I play one on tv" transformation. And you know what? I ain't mad. He hustled. some called it from day one, some didn't, but let's take a sec to acknowledge it. Plus, he's VERY talented AND...HE MAKES COCKSUCKING SONGS, for goodness sakes. Hill appears at "I'm Cool Because I Know About And Attend This" Music Festival, gets a mic and a guitar (which she needs to stop doing in honor of women who REALLY get it in on some singer-songwriter-instrumentalist shit like the infinitely more talented Teena Marie), says some sad shit and her bumfuckery is not only accepted, it's applauded!

Dude, unless she comes back with a much more humble aura and a GOOD SONG, I'll be as excited about her return as a teacher is about the return of the school year in September. Fuck Lauryn Hill, I got a whole generation of kids to Miseducate. I'd rather listen to a Sean Kingston song. Featuring Sanjaya. With Plies on the hook. Produced by David Guetta. Remixed by Dr. Luke. Restarted 7 times bc Flex keeps dropping bombs on it. Ok I've crossed the line from critical to insulting. My bad. I've jammed to more than a few Guetta tunes in the past year or so. Whatever, gonna go eat some breakfast and workout to some Bieb. You Lauryn Hill fans stay miseducated, will ya?! *simultaneously snapping my fingers, winking, and shooting my fingers at all of you*

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I Got It! Hef Should Holla At 'The Situation' About Making A Song For Playboy, No? WWW.Can'tLose.Com

Playboy Enterprises is going public. You KNOW that brand is struggling in this modern world of internet porn, where you can service ANY fetish in a FREE and plentiful manner with very little effort. What has Playboy done to adapt? Unless Hef can pioneer a breakthrough in virtual f-cking (pardon the graphic language, but f-ck that upscale sh-t; he's gonna have to provide the rawness - quite literally - if he wants to make his brand relevant again in this climate of desensitized instant gratification), AND damn-near monopolize it, I don't see that company meaning much from here on out.

Electrifying conclusion: If you ask me, it all went downhill once Scott Baio started f-cking all the playmates, leading to his eventual ban from the Playboy mansion. You can't let Charles be in charge of everything now, can you? Anyway, I know I just talked a lotta sh-t about the brand, but how much stock do you think I would have to buy to advertise my new record in it? Or to have a coupla Playmates on my album cover? I'm gonna look into that.

I really hope you clicked on that Scott Baio link. Dude was a monster, lol.

Yo, did you see the shots John Daly missed yesterday. Ugh! Heartbreaking. Eventually he's gonna falter at St. Andrews, but that record-breaking score he would've pulled out of his ass in the first round might've change the game. Plus it would've just been so kick-ass to see him shoot a f-cking 59 , at his age, after all he's done. And not done, lol. I'm a big fan man. Shoutout to fuck-ups who can still produce miracles every now and then.

Yes, I know I'm late. And that's because I've just decided to care. Urkel's wild! (And he's definitely lookin' like Stefan UrKEL in this pic). They arrested him on domestic violence charges that sound very real to me, even though the chick f-cked up her credibility by waiting so long to file. Whatever.

Electrifying conclusion: I used to LOVE how Stefan UrKEL dressed. Get one of those suits he used to rock and Johnny Gill's hairstylist, and nobody could tell you a thing in the early 90s, my dude. But yeah, he was wild for the night. You can't go punching b-tches in their titty implants, but as far as pushing her into the toilet, I've been there. Somewhat. It was a bathtub. And I guess I'm not proud of it. I would explain further, but what's the shelf-life on this type of thing? There's a good chance she'll read this (we're friends now), but is that "opening up old wounds"-status right there? I don't know.

Dear Eminem and Drake,

Stop singin' so many of your own hooks. And don't make another song together. The only thing worse than the hype involving anything you guys do, is the hype involving anything you guys do together and the anticlimactic nature of the collaboration. However, you BOTH make GREAT songs with Li'l Wayne. Wonder why.


Who do they keep changing the actors who play "The Incredible Hulk?" It's like what happened to the "Batman" films before Bale took hold of the role, except, no one ever really cared much about these "Hulk" films. They just don't resonate for some reason. Maybe a black "Hulk" would be fresh. Just throwin' that out there. On some Ving Rhames sh-t, nahmean?

I'm a fan of this "The Situation" dude. He's kinda awesome. I had know idea he was making records because I've never seen "Jersey Shore" but I do know that there's someone awesome enough to call himself "The Situation" and that a girl named "Snookie" got knocked out at a bar, and it was tragically funny.

Electrifying conclusion:
He made a rap song, so you know that he actually has no talent because every semi-celebrity who can't do anything else tries rapping as a means of getting a little more shine, but it never works. And he's frontin' about how he was gonna be on the "Jersey Shore Soundtrack," but he was "off the grid." Pseudo-celebs like him are never off the grid intentionally. The song is fast, overproduced and features Fatman Scoop, all the better to hide his lack of talent behind a transparent wall of obnoxiousness. That being said, his overwhelming doucheness carries the song and I don't hate it.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.