Ben Affleck has been cast as Batman in the next Superman
flick. The Internet is not happy.
There have been a host of petitions started
by folks demanding that Ben Affleck not assume this role. One even wants there to
be a law making it ILLEGAL for this to happen.
Electrifying conclusion: This will be the longest conclusion
you’ve ever seen on this blog because I’ve had a while to sit with this one and
I really gotta be thorough with it, so you truly understand how you should feel
about it. The Internet is unhappy again. It tends to get that way over really
important things like this. And if I knew where The Internet lived I might pay
The Internet a visit, or even write The Internet a letter reminding The Internet how pissy it got over the announcement that Heath Ledger would be thenext Joker.
I’d also make The Internet aware of the fact that Christian
Bale wasn’t even that good of a Batman (shoot, in two of the three films he was
outshined by the antagonist), he just made sure not to screw up a really good
franchise while playing a very important role. You know what the sports
equivalent of Bale is? The point guard/quarterback on a really good team who
isn’t a great talent, but plays smart, mistake-free ball and isn’t a liability
to his team (Joe Flacco, Alex Smith, Derek Fisher). Just like those are guys
who may not have the kind of package the superstars have at their positions,
but do a few things well that help the team win (accuracy, clutch performance,
game management, locker room presence), Bale had enough things going for him (a
good look, some acting chops, didn’t overplay the role {see: The Great Adam
West} or treat it with condescension {see: George Clooney}) that enabled him to
be neither a bad Batman, nor someone who made it impossible for anyone else to
seem like they could succeed in the role after him (sort of like how The
Internet felt about Jack Nicholson’s Joker before it felt like that about Heath
Ledger’s Joker).
Now, I’m not downplaying what Bale did, he’s a superstar, a
good actor who’s starred in multiple roles I’ve enjoyed. And it’s hard to
assume an iconic comic book character role and play it well enough over the
course of three movies to not get derided at some point (although I think his
flaws or maybe a general disposition of boredom sort of showed throughout
“DKR,” my favorite of the trilogy), even when you have talents to lean on such
as Chris Nolan, Tom Hardy, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Maggie Gyllenhaal,
the aforementioned Ledger and Tiny “Zeus” Lester.
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| "You thought I was really gonna do it, didn't ya? Racist." |
I’m just saying that The
Internet shouldn’t act like Ben taking over for Bale is like trying to succeed Tom
Brady as New England Patriots quarterback.
Now back to Ben Affleck.
Do we really still hate Ben Affleck?
I mean, c’mon, do we really still find him as impossibly
annoying as we did, say, a decade ago? Really? I mean, why? I can barely
remember why we hated him so much in the first place, but I remember hating him
just as zealously as the The Internet does – in 2002. I remember him being the
man when he came out as part of the dynamic Boston duo. Then he kind of just
started to seem annoying to me in his subsequent film roles. At some point
there was something about a horrible movie called “Gigli” I never pronounced
right, him kissing J-Lo’s asscheek in an equally horrible music video (a lot
that wasn’t hate, that was hatin’), and him taking too much of the blame for
the abomination that was “Daredevil” (like I said, it’s hard trying to take on
an iconic comic book character; I think Colin Farrell would’ve made a dooope
Daredevil though). But, are those the reasons we still hate Ben Affleck? Aston
Kutcher’s career has been much cornier, in my opinion, and yet he isn’t hated
with the same fervor as Ben. If I may cross platforms for a second, Jon Mayer
is infinitely grosser than Ben and he’s always one derivative hit away from
being treated somewhat respectably as he bones the next starlet in need of a
good rebound in her pants.
You know what I think Ben’s worst offense is? He’s not Matt
Damon. They debuted together (notice how I treat actors breaking onto the scene
as if they were hit records making a splash at radio and the billboard
charts - “yo, Mena Suvari went platinum
when she came out in ‘American Beauty’ but she aint have a hot joint since”
), but
critically, the years have been much kinder to Matt. I feel like Ben was the
bigger star at the outset, but soon after, Matt became the one with more
acclaimed films and roles, and his reputation outside of work is sterling.
Everyone loves Matt Damon to the point where it’s pretty much a joke. Don’t
believe me? Check out his guest appearance on “House Of Lies,” where he plays a
caricature of himself, and spends the entire episode acting like the worst
human being ever, doing drugs and whores, manipulating people, and getting away
with all of it, because people think Matt Damon is a saint - no - a god.
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| "Bow at the altar of St. Damon!" |
And hey, Matt Damon is pretty damn awesome – this clip made me a fan for life. But Ben Affleck suffers because of the connection. Even me,
a guy who typed out a few hundred words defending him, I rank him behind at
least 4 or 5 other guys on my “Boston Guy” list that begins with - you got it -
Matt Damon, then goes to Mark Wahlberg John Cena, lemme see, um, CT from “The
Real World,” Ray Benzino, and then there’s Maude, er, Ben Affleck. But I don’t
hate the guy; The Internet and everyone else hates him. And I truly feel like,
after all this time has passed, after he’s done all this charity work and
garnered major props for “Argo,” he should be forgiven and looked at as a
decent actor with something to offer, but he’s basically hated because he isn’t
Matt Damon. Because he had the misfortune to not enter the world through Matt
Damon’s mother’s birth canal, a product of Matt Damon’s father’s sperm. Harsh
life.
Anyway, Internet, lay off Ben Affleck. He might not be Matt
Damon, but then again, who the hell is besides, well, Matt Damon? I hear that
Batman isn’t even all that major in the new Superman flick, they don’t delve
all into his character and feature his story like that. They just wanted a
different, older, made kind of Batman to school Superman on superhero stuff
(“Ayo Clark, peep game tho’; haters gon’ hate, my man. You gotta brush ‘em off ya
shoulders like Jay-Z said. I mean, I don’t even got superpowers and I got beef
with 5-0, clowns, regular people, scarecrows and terrorists. But you?! Shiiiit,
you can fly, my dude! And you shoot lasers from ya eyes! That’s that new heat
right there! Cats gon’ be hatin’ on you all day. Lex Luthor, Doomsday, all them
lames are haters. But you just do you, perch on top of skyscrapers and stuff
when you need a moment to think, keep ya suit pressed and ya identity on the
low, and remember why you even got in this game – for the money, fame and hoes,
haha! Nah, for saving the world and all that. But on the low though, they got
some hoes out there that will give it up just to for a flight across Metropolis.
I aint sayin’ you should take advantage of such things, but I’m also not sayin’
that the gig doesn’t have it’s perks, you feel me? You feel me.”) So let Ben
slide into the role, and if he screws it up, then we’ll ridicule him all the
way back to his multi-million dollar mansion, beautiful actress spouse and
movie star life.
I don't know y’all, it’s not that I don’t get why y’all show
him love, Justin Timberlake, he’s good, but I think Adam Levine is cooler than
JT can dream of being. Shrugs.com
Saw somewhere someone said imagine if the Yankees pull out
the wildcard, A-Rod has a mammoth postseason and the commissioner has to
present him with the
trophy! I’d spontaneously combust from the joyful
ridiculousness of it all.
Miley Cyus went all early 2000s Britney at the MTV Video
Music Awards 2013. The Internet felt angry, violated, outraged and everything
else except turned on.
Electrifying conclusion: “Somewhere in America…Miley Cyrus
is twerkin’.” Yes, I know that bar rang loud throughout the heads of everyone
who illegally obtained “Magna Carta” as they watched Miley with the look of at least one of the Smith family on their faces. Jay-Z delivered that line almost
with the undertone of “Y’all think this chick is annoying now? Haha, she’s just
gettin’ started!”
She can’t think she’s being original, in the midst of the
same sweetheart-to-slut transition that we’ve seen countless times before and
saw coming from her many moons ago. (Anyone else notice how badly she wants to
be Rihanna? Her new song sounds exactly like a Rihanna song and she seems to
take all her style and skank cues from the Bajan pop star.) All this stuff
you’re aware of, however. The thing that struck me though, was The Internet’s
reaction. I kn
ow that I gave The Internet a lot of flack regarding Ben Affleck,
but I have to say, it won me over just as quickly with it’s decisive and
unified skewering of Miley Cyrus.
Now I know that a man my age should have no business caring
about what the hell a 20 year old songstress is doing to get herself vilified.
But a man my age also has no business eating Nutella and digestive biscuits in
nothing but boxers and a championship belt in front of the television while
watching WWE’s “Monday Night Raw” every Tuesday evening (that’s when we get it
over here). We all do things we probably shouldn’t. Moving on. The real story
here is, again, The Internet. It’s been a feisty coupla weeks for The Internet,
hasn’t it? This event was one of the rare times when I saw the Internet respond
EXACTLY how I felt it should, with no exceptions or disclaimers. Yes, I saw a
couple of instances that bordered on defense of Miley’s act in the name of
being anti-slut-shaming (personally, I don’t shame actual sluts, just
pseudo-sluts like her) and the occasional tweet about The Internet’s lack of
reaction to the inherent racism in everything Miley does (racism is tiring, a
pass is granted every now and again just out of the sheer exhaustion it takes
to remain vigilant about it; it’s like when I was a teacher and there were
certain kids I NEVER let go to bathroom, but they were so unrelenting in their
willingness to continue asking period after period, day after day, that I’d
just say “Come right back and don’t do anything to get into trouble,” knowing
that the former wouldn’t happen and the latter would), but for the most part,
the Internet restored the faith in it I was pretending to lose by showing me
that it can still draw the correct conclusions about the really important
things in life.
Wow, I definitely came back to “T.E.C.” a li’l bit wordy,
haven’t I?
Pardon me and my “never been nowhere or had nothin’ nice”
ass, but I did not know there were towels with hooks built in. Monumental.
In response to the Syrian government apparently using
chemical weapons on it’s citizens, The
Unites States of America is gearing up
to lead an attack on Syria…
Electrifying conclusion: …that will result in the deaths of
even more Syrians. I’m not anti-military or anything, but let’s be honest. If
an alien came to our planet and saw all of the atrocities going on all across
the globe, like the regimes in power in Africa, and Southeast Asia who have raped,
starved and killed hundreds of thousands, and then tried to deduce why the U.S.
is so gung-ho about going into particular countries with the lives of thousands
of young men and women on the line, do you think that alien would be swayed by
the argument that the reason is “human rights?” No, the alien would go back to
his planet, show them a video of Miley Cyrus and say “This is what they call
‘twerking,’ a form of celebration invented by this human,” and then say “The
country over on what they, for some reason, call the ‘eastern hemisphere,’ the
big one with all the money, the weapons and the people in cages, they go to
great lengths to convince their people that everything they do isn’t about
staying on top through control of resources and friendly governments. And there
are even people in their country who they don’t have to convince.” This article states, among many other things, how the country I currently reside in would benefit economically from a change in regime in Syria as well.
Syria, like many countries during Arab spring, changed very
drastically, very quickly. Some of my colleagues worked there and absolutely
loved it, and also had to leave everything behind as they high-tailed it out of
there just a couple of years ago. With Iran and Russia talking tough right back
to the United States, believe me, I’m over here living snugly in between Iran
and Saudi Arabia, monitoring this situation like I monitor the guys who come
into the house party who no one seems to know. I’m going to be the first one to
say “These guys are about to do something crazy, and not in a good way. If
there are any phone numbers you didn’t get that you really can’t live without,
you got two minutes before it’s time to skate.”
Y’all come on back on, ya hear? And make sure to tell a
friend about “The Electrifying Conclusion” and my blog about my life trying not
raise hell as a black dude where there ain’t any, “Broha.”
