Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Electrifying Commencement

I’m a writer because somewhere between the ages of 0 and 5, I learned how to write words that represent thoughts, and somehow, I’ve managed to retain the skill. I’m not a writer because I’ve studied various expository methods and read great literary works. I hate those author and book categories on “Jeopardy” (I also hate the “Daily Double,” but that’s for another blog). I’m not a journalist; I write because I have something to tell you. As long as you understand what I’m writing, that’s all that matters.

Electrifying conclusion: Tangents, slang, and asshole-ry excite me. Be forewarned. But enjoy.

Random thoughts before I derail…
No one has gone broke underestimating the intelligence (or tastes) of the American people. Miley and Billy and all of her handlers sooo calculated all of this hubbub surrounding her pictures. How formulaic. Guarantee you she aint sweatin’ the risks; her merch is project around $1 BILLION for this year, so she’s good even if kids don’t mess with her anymore. The reward will possibly be a jumpstart on the image transition she’ll have to make (Mickey Mouse ‘tween star to desirable young starlet) to have longevity.

Electrifying conclusion: That Disney $$ is looooooog, son! She’ll probably be set for life, financially, but her days as an A-lister are numbered in low digits. And as far as those tease-y pics…never mind, I can’t comment on her attractiveness, right? Because she’s (supposedly) like, 15? Aight, I’ma find a young, greasy cat to do it for me. Stay tuned.
Wright makes Might, son! Unfortunately not for The (Ba)Rack. It’s so ill how one person, seemingly inconsequential at the outset, can alter history. He might’ve been the weight that tipped the scales in the Hilster’s favor. I ain’t no political expert, but neither are most folks, and they don’t need much to go on when it comes to casting their ballots.

Electrifying conclusion: I’ma still cast my ballot with the Mulatto, though if he wins the nomination. Why? You know why, so let’s not get into such debate. And Hilary wants all of those debates b/c that’s her opportunity to see him in person. She wants him to smash. Seriously, I can tell by how she looks at him that she wants to bone him. Maybe he’s smashed already?
When food and gas becomes unaffordable, what in the f-ck are we supposed to do? When you work far because housing is cheaper away from your job, or because there are no jobs where you live, you gotta burn that gas. And I’ve found food to be something like a necessity in life.

Electrifying conclusion: I feel like folks are just a few stages away from panic. We’re not used to this kinda sh-t. Imperialism doesn’t guarantee us the luxuries it used to. You really gotta be on some global sh-t nowadays; America’s like the Yankees. Still a power, but not the dominant power. You gotta explore options other teams (countries) can offer. Get that passport son!
Madonna’s single (“4 Minutes”) is not as good as I thought. Gettin’ tired of the Timbaland sound, even though it still rawks. Heard many good things about her album; she’s a guilty pleasure of mine, can’t front (most of the time). Mariah’s single(s) suck(s) anus. Kelly Clarkson has a phaaat ass for a white girl. Actually, I haven’t seen her in a minute, does she still have that ass? Danity Kane’s “Damage” isn’t as bad as I thought. Day 26’s single is. “Violet Hill” by Coldplay is gonna get the “ClockWork” treatment in a minute. Maybe. “List of Demands” by Saul Williams is super gangsta. “Viva La White Girl” is a trip, a good one.

Electrifying conclusion: Sales are pathetic, but music is not better or worse in my opinion. Although, I think knowing they won’t sell anyway is giving artists freedom to actually attempt to make their best art. Except in cases like Mariah, who still sells somewhat, so she sticks to her formula. There’s some real dope music out there, and not as much division as far as genres. But “rock-ism” is still alive and well, kept alive by the losers who practice it.

Know what I was thinkin’? Conclusions are criminally underappreciated nowadays. I know why; it’s because comebacks are too common. Rappers, athletes, politicians, actors, ex-girlfriends, std’s, ex-girlfriends with std’s – they all like to reappear after we’ve had enough of ‘em. Therefore, no one really believes that a conclusion is really a conclusion. We’re not as excited as we used to be to see something we’ve followed through tied up nicely and moved aside to make room for the next thing. Few things are as exhilarating as watching a well-written finale to an awesome show (“The Wire”). Though we don’t like good things to end, we hate more to see good things continue until they become bad. Then again, a bad conclusion may be even worse than a pathetic continuation (“Sopranos”). Still, closure is most important in life, and conclusions give us perspective (on a relationship, for instance), an opportunity to review (like the conclusion of an academic paper, for instance), and if we’re lucky, conclusions teach us valuable lessons we might’ve noticed if the conclusion wasn’t presented. What I intend to do is provide you not only with conclusions, but ELECTRIFYING CONCLUSIONS! We will examine some sh-t, and then we will come to an electrifying conclusion based on our (lack of) research. By ‘we’ I, of course, mean ‘me,’ with very little input whatsoever from anyone who isn’t ‘me.’ There is a great need for electrifying conclusions. The conclusions to most papers I’ve read (and written, admittedly) were rather drab. The conclusions to most conversations I’ve witnessed, or been a part of, have left much to be desired. The conclusions to many celebrity relationships are well short of electrifying, no matter what the tabloids try to get us to think. Britney divorcing, and losing the kids to, K-Fed because of a drug habit, bad undergarment choices, and overall white trash-ery? Booooring. Britney leavin’ K-Fed for Jim Jones, signing to Diplomats Records, doing the hook to a Diplomats diss track, and raising her kids to randomly shout “baaaallin!” and “birdgang?” Electrifying! What qualifies me to disperse electrifying conclusions, you might ask? I listen and observe way more than I talk. And not because of my mild Asperger’s (kidding, somewhat)! I find it easier to learn that way. The stupidity-to-loquaciousness correlation is stunning. Loudmouths have something to prove; quite people might be cannibals, but I bet they have some of the most electrifying conclusions around!

I’m StarPower, and I approve this message.