Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Electrifying Conclusion 9/16

Hey there. Sarah Palin, blah blah blah. Plummeting stock market blah blah blah. What else should I be blogging about just because the new tells me it's important? Oh yeah, Hurricane (insert name) blah blah blah. Ok, that was insenstive. But this blog is about what I am actually interested in, and not what important things I'm too ignorant to care enough about. Right now, as far as music goes, I care about "The Carter III," ("I tell my girl 'when you fuck me better fuck me good'/'Cause if another girl could she gon fuck me good'") and that Kanye performance on the MTV Video Awards. As far as news, I care about this MS-13 perpertrated atrocity in Newark (remember when this shit happened?) - http://news.aol.com/article/6-indicted-in-newark-schoolyard-killings/174412. As far as sports, I'm praying that the Mets bullpen doesn't make them miss the playoffs again, even though I know that if they do make it in, the bullpen will stop them from going deep. As far as celebs, I care about everything Megan Fox (I knew she was hot, but damn, seen her in the new Maxim?), although I think this is a bullshit, made up story, which makes her wacker in my eyes - http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx/?news=330845&GT1=BUZZ2. As far as politics, I'd rather get my fix from "Doonesbury" than from Fox, CNN, or MSNBC. As far as you, the reader, I care about the fact that you have been conclusion-less for way too long. Like the Staple Singers said, let's do it again.

Now this, this is important. Quilted Northern has come up with the first 3-ply toilet paper (them other folks have been lying, I guess, when touting their triple-ply). The AP says:

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.
The new product will be launched Monday.

"Industry analyst" Bill Schmitz is skeptical, saying that the extra ply can't possibly make it softer, just stronger. He's accusing Q. N. of adding performance-enhancers (extra fibers) to their product.

Electrifying conclusion: Bill's a hater...How in the fuck does one become a toilet paper industry analyst or researcher? That's in the pool of jobs reserved for white people. I swear there are like 894 jobs that only white people know about and are able to apply for. I woulda majored in toilet paperology if I knew that an industry analyst job awaited me after school. But no one told me about this. I'm gonna kidnap and torture each of my white friends one by one, until someone gives up some info on this list of jobs...The product is being marketed mainly "to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time." Old brawds w/leaky bowels, basically. Well, I want a piece of the action too. I enjoy quality time on the throne also, and if 3 ply will help me stave off hemmorhoids for a few more years, then I'm all over it. No pun intended. Ok, yeah, pun was intended.

What the fuck? Nate Dogg has had a 2nd (!) stroke? - http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1594917/20080916/nate_dogg.jhtml

50 Cent is getting real corny, peep how he's still trying to live off of Kanye -http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1594781/20080915/50_cent.jhtml, but he does get money. Forbes says he was hip-hop's highest paid celeb, raking in $150 million. Jay-Z was second with $82 million. Fifth had clothes, movies, video games, album sales, and of course, Vitamin Water filling his coiffers. And apparently, this deal may push him into the stratosphere - http://www.forbes.com/home/2008/08/15/music-50cent-hiphop-biz-media-cz_zog_0818fifty.html

Electrifying conclusion: 'But StarPower, why do you care? You aint seein' none of it.' Shut it fucko. I applaud their abilities to generate massive amounts of currency, just as evil crackers have for many years. 'Bout time evil niggas get in on the action too.

Shia LaBeouf is an overrated human being. Missy Elliot is annoying as all hell. No one ended up caring about the DeNiro-Pacino movie. Jordin Sparks sounded like an irritating young chick on the awards show. Keri Hilson is maaad sexy in her new video, but the song is wack. Women cheat just like men do. Some invited guests skipped my wedding. Krayola sent me a very dope pamphlet. TRL is over - http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx/?news=330804. I once made a great song about terrorizing the TRL studio. The story of my life - while I aspire to be great, I tire because of the wait (weight). Still truckin' though.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.