An Electrifying First Week!

So, rumors are afloat that D-Wade is gettin’ it in with Star Jones! As you may recall, Star just filed for divorce from hubby Al Reynolds, no longer willing to be a "beard." Al is, of course, gayer than that new Patrick Dempsey movie (during his resurrection, he’s really become the go-to guy for soft-ass roles – "Made of Honor?" C’mon!). They were spotted in Miami at a tennis match. Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith were busting his balls about it on "Inside The NBA." I didn’t see it, but from reading about it, I’m sure Wade was maaaad uncomfortable. Peep some of the convo’ that went on live on TNT:

"Are y'all close friends?" Smith asked.

"We're good friends," Wade responded.

"Are you the kind of friends that drink out of one cup with two straws?" Smith persisted, referring to a much-discussed photo of Wade, 26, and Jones, the 46-year-old TV personality who recently filed for divorce, at a tennis match. "Those kind of friends?"

"We are friends. That's all," said Wade, who is married to his high school sweetheart and has two sons.

"Good friends?" Barkley interjected.

"Naw, Chuck," Wade said with a smile.

Barkley broke through the commotion to say, "I like Star. She's a cougar."

"What's a cougar?" Smith asked, not so innocently, a perfect lob to Barkley.

Sir Charles promptly slammed the ball home: "Preying on a young Dwyane Wade."

Hilariously immature of Chuck and Kenny. But then again Chuck might be one of the most immature ballplayer ever and Kenny still goes by the nickname "The Jet." ‘Nuff said.

Electrifying conclusion: D-Wade is NOT dating Star Jones. Duh! She may be a bit more "View"-tiful after the gastric bypass surgery, but D-Wade lives in Miami. Seriously. He’s 26, she’s 46. He’s rich, good-looking, famous, a champion, and lives in Miami. No slight to Star, but if he is separated from his wife, like I’ve heard, he’s doing what folks like I described in the previous sentence do in Miami. And they don’t date Star Jones. But if he has smashed, that’s gangsta. Because then I’ll know that he belongs to the exclusive club of dudes who smash a variety of chicks just for the sport of it. Not even for the sex, or ego, but just for the self-entertaining, randomness of it. Imagine Wade sittin’ around the mansion with Rick Ross, Pitbull, and Ricky Davis smoking weed talkin’ ‘bout, "Yo son, guess what? I smashed Star Jones." Hilarity ensues.

I’m not a fan of American celebrities who live in Europe. I think it’s because the ones that live in Europe are the ones who come off as ‘too cool for school’ – and in America, school’s in session, bee-yooooooootch! (How obnoxious is the word "beeyotch?" Or putting "bitches" at the end of sentences for emphasis? Very. The various uses for a word that used to mean "female dog" is definitely as authentically American as Rockwell paintings and apple pie.) Celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna, Johnny Depp, Gwen Stefani act like the cool kids in school who tried to act like they didn’t think they were cool, but did subtle shit all the time to exert their coolness. *gag* What’s so great about Europe? The paparazzi in England is worse than in the U.S.; French people have CONTEMPT for Americans, even though we allowed them to give us the Statue of Liberty and showed them how to stage a revolution; Italy and Spain struggle to deal with the fact that they have quite a bit of ‘coffee’ in their ‘cream’ (Moor fire!); Amsterdam is on the verge of ridding itself of whores and weed (sad day, that will be); Germany will never be really be forgiven for it’s past, like a once-adulterous husband. I ask again – what’s so good about Europe?

Electrifying conclusion: Like I’ve said before, if all of the racism, gender inequality, sexual repression, violence, and class division is good enough for us regular folk, then dammit, it should be good enough for these celebrity schmucks. Folks act like a thriving economy, a willingness to care for the environment, sexually liberated women, rampant nudity, progressive ideas toward art and education, great food, and…wait, uh, anyone in Europe willing to make some room for a struggling artist with anti-social tendencies and a bitter worldview?

Apparently, co-ed dorm rooms are the new rage. The roomies pictured above go to Wesleyan. Dorms, which weren’t even co-ed up until the ‘50s, now house co-ed rooms in a coupla dozen schools, including Brown U., U. Penn, Clark U., and starting this spring, Stanford. I guess the smarties at these prestigious schools were clever enough to convince the administration that having penises and vaginas has absolutely no effect on their judgement. They say it’s not about sex, but about the choice to room with someone you feel comfortable with like a lifelong friend or a gay American.

Electrifying conclusion: You know, I had a roommate of the opposite sex when I was in college - my girlfriend. This is how it happened: one night she let me have sex with her body, and after that, I stayed in her room for a fortnight at a time, as long as I felt like she would let me have sex with her body again. Apparently, couples rooming together is called "roomcest," and is strongly frowned upon because of the potential for the couple to break up. To say that students at the aforementioned schools can room together without sexual tension is bullshit of the highest order. Many will fuck, many more will dream about fucking and have awkward conversations in the morning, and more still will masturbate in memory of accidental nudity incidents. Even if they look like the roomies pictured above. Plus, the gay/straight pairings must remain weary of closet bi-sexuals and hetero guys posing as gays in order to room with a girl. Sneaky heteros!

As we conclude our first electrifying week, I want to thank all of you who’ve taken the time to indoctrinate yourselves into my cult. Uh, sorry, I mean, read my blog. We’re taking baby steps right now, I have a lot of interesting plans to make this more than a trash-talking, celeb-monitoring, self-gratifying, vanity-fest. It’ll definitely be all of that, but I got a few screwballs in my repertoire, hopefully you’ll stick around to catch a few. When I think of this week, I think of the Cyruses, the dude who impregnated his daughter 7 times and locked her up underground for 24 years, the NBA’s overrated Western Conference (bye-bye Phoenix! so long Dallas!), prices going through the roof, Obama doing damage control, the ghosts of Sean Bell preparing to haunt this cock-sucking police department, Uma Thurman receiving way too much attention because of her stalker, aged divas and Li’l Wayne tearing up the charts, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey’s publicity stunt, and the start of an electrifying friendship with all of my readers. If you don’t hear from me this weekend, all I’ll say is, wherever you go, make sure you light it up! Peace.