Forget the Miley pics, did you see Disney’s Chinese underwear ads?!

Wow. Wow. They need to be stopped. Seriously. Seriously, man. What does that say?! Miley’s Vanity Fair pics were mild; especially compared to her MySpace jumpoffs. I definitely felt a bit creepy looking at those (all in the name of blog research, of course). Now, those Vanessa Hudgens pic? Those were wild. She was butt-ass naked, smiling. Gangsta. Now there’s already talk of “the next Miley.” You got iCarly and the little Latina on Disney (or Nick?) talkin’ about how pure they are, and their hopes of being actresses/neurosurgeons/singers/veterinarians when they grow up. Sorry girls; you’re gonna grow up to be…well groomed. Groomed by either the folks tryin’ to make millions off of you, or groomed by some creep(s) who’ll take advantage of your inevitable rebellion against your virginal rep. They’re tryin’ to end Billy’s girl’s career already! Damn! I fucks with Billy! His career was done and then he went and made millions off of his seed. Fresh. And those pics where she’s all in her his lap and he has his hand on her thigh and all that? Please. Not nearly as disturbing as folks are making it. She’s still a kid, and some kids, believe it or not, like to be affectionate towards their parents, and affection sometimes involves touching. Not molestation, touching. And they were just touching. As father and daughter. The real issue is the rampant sexual repression in this country. Pics like that scare the shit outta folks. And it’s not really about the kid; it’s about adult desire. The youthfulness, the restrained sensuality, the taboo, it drives those conservatives crazy with desire. It has the same effect on other segments of the population as well, but those bible-belters have way more hang-ups, in my opinion. Just an observation.

Electrifying conclusion: Like I said before, she’ll stay loaded, but her star’s already dimming. I promise I won’t look at any more pics of her until she does a photo shoot like another former Disney-kid-gone-wild did a month or two back. I’m talking about Lindsay Lohan’s “Marilyn Monroe’s last photo shoot” recreation in New York Magazine. Anyone see that (stupid question)? Up until she lost mad weight, I’d always ranked LiLo as top 5 among hottest white chicks. Might have to put her back into contention. Those freckles all over her shoulder and all that really sealed the deal with me. And of course so did the bare breast and vag shots.

I don’t care what anybody says, Roger Clemens hasn’t received the same treatment as Barry Bonds, contrary to what that know-it-all Bobby Costas says. It took these affair allegations to really see the kind of venom previously only reserved for baseball’s G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Time) to be spewed The Rocket. This so-called “paradigm of American values” (unbelievable success as a product of maximizing his God-given talent through hard work, is how they tell it) has so far been revealed to have smashed country music singer/criminal Mindy McCready and golfer John Daly’s ex-wife. For all the talk about Barry’s head (literally) getting bigger because of steroids, let’s take a look at Clemens’! He probably has the meatiest head I’ve ever seen. A true meathead. He is the exact pitching equivalent of Barry. Just like Barry, he would be an all-time great with or without steroids, but was able to put himself into the “greatest ever” conversation by unnaturally enhancing his ability well into his 40s. Yeah, the media hit him up, but nothing like Barry. And don’t say it’s because Barry’s a jerk; Clemens aint the friendliest fellow. Folks just wanted to believe his success has been a product of his famous workout regimen. Sorry! But now that it’s come out that he’s been cheating on his wife for years, it’s time to burn him, apparently. The media was throwin’ him heat, but not the kind he’s known for. They were givin’ him nasty sliders and breakin’ balls, but now they’re startin’ to aim for his head; you know, a li’l chin music. And not the kind Mindy used to give him.

Electrifying conclusion: Because Mindy was 15 when they met (I don’t believe he waited 3 years to smash), he should be getting the Barry Bonds and R. Kelly treatment combined. Instead, he’ll be disgraced, but fade into the shadows like Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmeiro. Barry will always be known as the ultimate jerk/steroid cheat. Is it racial? Hey, it’s there in plain black and white. Like many, many athletes, he was probably bonin’ chicks everywhere he played. But instead of bonin’ Superhead (like a Shaq has allegedly been known to do; and on a sidenote, does anyone actually bone Karrine Steffans? I mean, her name is Superhead, not Supervag), he was smashin’ Mindy McCready and Paulette Dean Daly. Who knows, maybe they’re the white equivalents?

Pittsburgh was named America’s “sootiest” city by The American Lung Association. Not “Most Polluted,” that’s still Los Angeles. Sootiest means it has the most instances of sharp, brief (hours to days long) rises in sooty particles, the kind that can be inhaled and lodged in the lungs, and can increase the risk of heart attacks, strokes, asthma and early death. So yeah, soot sucks. This is the first time a California city didn’t get the title. California still has the top five most polluted cities. Crazy enough, it also has the second cleanest. Big state. People don’t seem to care much about these kinda things though. As I age, I’m becoming a bit more concerned. I’m on to the whole green trend, and I’ve even considered purchasing one of those gay Euro mini-cars. I don’t know why more New Yorkers don’t ride on bikes and mopeds, or in gay Euro mini-cars. I heard Segweys were only legal for cops in New York, so that option isn’t there, but still. Too many SUVs and luxury sedans on this little 13-mile island. Anywho. Even with all of the steel-factory induced pollutants, Pittsburgh is ok by me. I like their gritty sports teams, and I’m a big fan of Sid “The Kid” Crosby. And the Pittsburgh U. college basketball team has more New York kids than St.-fucking-John’s does. Wished Pitt would’ve held down my dude Obama though. According to the media, he was too “snooty” for “sooty” Pittsburgh.

Electrifying conclusion: I’ve been once, and I loved the skyline. There also seemed to be a lot of black dudes dating white chicks, or at least there were in the neighborhood we performed at. I don’t think that contributes to the pollution though; just the proliferation of Obama-colored babies. I’m nowhere near an environmentalist, but if everyone cared just a li’l bit more, we could make a big difference. I mean, like, trying a little harder to find a garbage can, or passing your porn dvds down to the next generation instead of throwing them by the wayside. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time by the wayside, and it’s tragically littered with way too much porn.

Other stories that need conclusions:

Wendy’s is merging with Arby’s. Wendy’s has struggled to find an image since Dave Thomas, the guy in all of their commercials, passed away.
Conclusion: Wendy’s and Arby’s has good food. McDonald’s food is awful(ly addictive). Wendy’s needs to dumb it down; because right now it’s the thinking man’s fast food. They need to hire Lindsay Lohan to portray the redhead cartoon on its logo. And have Vanity Fair shoot the billboard.
David Blaine broke a record on Oprah’s show – holding his breath for 17 minutes! He inhaled pure oxygen to hyper-ventilate his body.
Conclusion: Since no one is paying him attention anymore (and I’m not hating, I once waited on line to see him buried in the concrete in Manhattan), he’s resorting to the child-like behavior of holding his breath. Since when is being able to “almost” kill yourself a talent? I can shoot a gun past my big head, and get just as close to killin’ myself. I can even do it live on Oprah. I could almost kill her too. That way we’ll both break the record. Holla at me, Oprah!
Giselle Bundchen makes $35 million a year as the world’s top supermodel, twice what the second richest, Heidi Klum makes.
Conclusion: I always wondered what separates a model from a supermodel, because judging by the looks of some of these brawds, it aint beauty. Now I see that it’s tens of millions of dollars. She does look mad good, but $35 million? Daaaamn! Good for her. Good for Tom Brady. Wonder what some of them “America’s Next Top Models” are raking in. Definitely not $35 million. They marry Peter Brady (“My Fair Brady”) and play third banana to Wayne Brady and Anthony Mackie in straight-to-dvd hood movies (“Crossover”). There’s a history of choosing birds to win that competition anyway. On a side note, since Tom’s a “Partriot,” shouldn’t he be fucking one of “America’s Next Top Models?” He probably is. First America, next the world for Tom!


I’m StarPower, and I approve this message.

p.s. I didn't realize there were so many "bradys" in that last paragraph until I put the labels in. random.