I Understand - You Are Appreciated

Sorry for the absence; life gave me lemon's so I made pitchers of Patron-laced sangria and margaritas, shots of Bacardi, and Jack Daniels. With a splash of lemon. But I'm sure you weren't too adversely affected, because "The Electrifying Conlusion" is like the "Mitchum" of blogs - so effective you can skip a day (even two)! Now let's get down to busy-ness.

Many folks I know received their stimulus checks (the $600 we earned that the gov’t has claimed to give us as a present so that we can give it back to them so they can become richer and make us feel better about being poor in a rich nation) early. Including me! And guess what I did? I got fresh. Guess kicks, DKNY sweater, Kenneth Cole shoes, Calvin Klein t-shirts, etc. Meaning, I invested in my ability to attract whores and losers who define themselves through material objects! But that’s not the only positive thing I did! By shopping at Macy’s, I showed my true red, white, and blues, by spending money to increase my status, but I also put money back into the economy like Uncle Sam told me.I made my stimulus check work for me and for Uncle Sam. Or is that Uncle Charlie?

Electrifying conclusion: Today’s guest star, Joe Belz aka Young Einstein, aka Einstein the Elephant, aka the 4 bar killer, aka "I might’ve swallowed a beer cap while playing beer pong, but I wake up early (maybe after bangin’ your girl, {j/k Mari!}) every day to decide what news I think you should hear at CNN" sums it up best -

"I call the checks 'China gift cards.' So people can get the check in the mail or direct deposited in their account and then take the cash to Walmart and buy some cheaply imported products that will fatten the communist regimes pockets – Im just saying man..."

A white man has rarely spoke truer words.

Jenna Bush got married. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. The president’s daughter, first twin, was made into an honest woman. Yup, she’s the drunken one. Yup, she is kinda cute. Yup, while lookin' for a pic of her to put in this blog, I did find pics of her accidently baring her vag on some Britney Spears/Paris Hilton sh-t. Yup, that’s all that is remotely interesting about her from where I stand also. Nope, I'm not gonna post the uncensored vag flash in the blog. Yup, it was pretty dope to come across the pic though.

Electrifying conclusion: *yawn* - If I don’t tell you how unimportant some things are, then who will? Btw, her husband’s fraternity’s spiritual founder is Robert E. Lee. Hero to plenty of southern (and on the low, northern), patriotic, racist Americans who will never vote for Sen. Obama.

I rang in Mother’s day with the loss of my mother. Before you send your condolences, let me quote Method Man by saying it was "not in the physical form, but in the mental...". As midnight struck and Mother’s Day started officially, I knew once and for all, that she gave me almost everything I needed to become the man who knows that the time has come when she can no longer give me anything, but take everything, if I keep her in my life. I, of course, still love her though. Here’s wishing you never go through some of the crap I’ve went through in my life. If you have, I hope those kinds of days are ending for all of us. Got me thinking about who are the worst mothers around. Here are a couple off the top of the head:

Susan Smith: "I drove my kids into a lake, then blamed their disappearance on a scary, imaginary minority. And now I’m very popular on the prison internet dating scene!"

Andrea Yates: "God told me to drown my kids in a bathtub. And did you know that God’s real name is Satan? Yup, he told me that also."

Britney Spears: "There are plenty of guys who will still bang me; and I made sure I advertised the goods a bit just to let them know that the baby didn’t mess nuthin’ up down there."

Michael Jackson (not a mom, but close enough): "I obviously didn’t sire my kids; why’d you think I was willing to hang one off the edge of a balcony for all to see? I hate the little blond-haired, blue-eyed spawns more than Tommy Mottola!"

Debbie Mathers: "What have you done with your life that’s so great?! Besides selling 25 million albums, an Oscar, a few Grammys, and becoming the most respected white rapper, and one of the greatest artists, of all time? Huh?"

There really should be a reality show named "Urban Survival: New York" or something like that, where two contestants start from a single location and compete to see who can complete the most amount of New York City specific challenges first. Some suggestions for challenges:

Auto-Immune Category:
-Find gas under $4 a gallon
-Make it across town first during midtown rush hour (FDR to the West Side Highway)
-And then find non-meter, street parking in downtown Manhattan

Making Change Category:
-Get 4 quarters from a bodega store clerk without buying anything
-And then complete a call, using 25 cents from a working phone booth

-Extra points if you can do it in South Bronx, South Jamaica, East New York, or Spanish Harlem

A Brave New World:
-Find a Brooklynite who has (voluntary; non-work related) visited the Bronx for any reason within the last 5 years
-Convince the Brooklynite to come with you to the Bronx, and that s/he won’t be killed upon entrance
-Have Brooklynite make friends with a Bronxite
-All of you then ride the train back to Brooklyn, where Brooklynite shows Bronxite what his/her borough will look like in 5 years, maybe less
-Find a place that sells hip t-shirts and sneakers, patronize said place, and attend an artistic event

Home Improvement:
-Find an apartment larger than a token booth in a decent...no, in any neighborhood for a monthly rent that costs less than a semester’s tuition at a City University of New York school
-Find a (non-Jewish) block in Washington Heights without any double-parked cars, domino games, or thick Dominican mothers/grandmothers...


You get the picture, right?

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.