The Week vs. StarPower

If I make it out of this week in one piece, me and you are all set to lead a mission of mercy to a new frontier. To that mansion up over the hill, where you can get your prescription pill. Any kind of pill, folks.

Statements the U.S. had the nerve to make as they are being hindered by the military-controlled government, in their efforts to help Myanmar’s cyclone victims:

"We're outraged by the slowness of the response of the government.”

"It's clear that the government's ability to deal with the situation, which is catastrophic, is limited."

Those statements sound familiar to anyone else who remembers Hurricane Katrina? I always say that poor people in America are second-class citizens. I don’t believe that anymore.

Poor people in America are third-world citizens.

Let’s play a game. Try to guess which of these statements, taken straight from the Associated Press, are about Louisiana and which are about Myanmar:

Humanitarian chiefs called the situation in "increasingly desperate."

U.N. teams seeking entry to ensure the aid is delivered to the victims amid fears that lack of safe food and drinking water could raise the death toll significantly.

Residents say some looting occurred at markets and stores.

Entire villages in the delta were still submerged from the storm, and bloated corpses could be seen.

"I don't know what happened to my wife and young children," said a man who held onto a tree until the water level dropped. By then his family was gone.

“Fears of waterborne illnesses surfacing due to dirty water and poor sanitation also remained a concern.”

"Safe water, sanitation, safe food. These are things that we feel are priorities at the moment."

"The government is not helping us. No aid is coming.”

"There's widespread devastation. Buildings are flattened and bloated dead animals are floating around, which is an alarm for spreading disease. These are massive and horrific scenes."
People complained that they had received no government assistance.

Electrifying conclusion: Unlike the victims of Cyclone Nargis and Hurricane Katrina, no one loses this game. These statements were all taken from an article about Myanmar, but can be applied just as well to Louisiana (and Mississippi) during Hurricane Katrina. The U.S. is upset that the military junta in Myanmar won’t let them come in and share all of the expertise that was on display in the aftermath of Katrina. That military junta isn’t stupid; they know that the U.S. doesn’t do “favors” or distribute “gifts.” I don’t know what’s in Myanmar, but I’m sure the U.S. government does, and is just as willing to relieve the country-formerly-known-as-Burma of whatever is there, as it is of relieving the citizens of hunger, disease, and despair.

If I make it out of this week as well as I came into it, me and you gonna make videotapes in hopes of getting cast on “Real World: The Gaza Strip.”

Slumpbusting is a term athletes use that means they bang an ugly chick to get out of a slump. Right now the crossroads of superstition and misogyny is the Chicago White Sox locker room. The players, mired in a 6-game slump, decided to show off their collage skills by placing a bat between the legs of a couple of ugly blow-up dols and posting the words “you gotta push.” This somehow (woman reporter, maybe?) became pubic, er, public (couldn’t resist :) and the public is now outraged. Damn public. Always with the outrage. "We weren't trying to disrespect anybody or hurt anybody," Guillen told the Chicago Sun-Times. "We were just trying to have fun. A lot of people took it the wrong way." If you know nothing of CWS manager Ozzie Guillen, look him up. He says what he means, and means what he says. He won’t offer too much in the way of apology. He’s a real caveman. And overlooking this incident is so easy, even Ozzie can do it. So lay off, got it public?

Electrifying conclusion: Who snitched? What happens in the locker room should stay there. I can only imagine the type of sexist, racist, ignorant, foul things that are said in a professional sports team’s locker room. The only person with the right to protest is one of the players. Some say that since reporters have great access nowadays, the teams should be more conscious of what goes on the clubhouse. Bullshit. That’s the problem now. Folks want all-access to public figures. My problem with this isn’t the lack of privacy public figures have. They traded privacy for celebrity and wealth. Yup, life isn’t fair. My problem is that celebrities are no fun anymore because there’s no more mystique. Reporters, journalists, bloggers, all want to know everything going on with a celebrity, in the process destroying all mystery and coolness. I don’t want/need to know every little aspect of a celebrity’s life. I promise you this: I will make a majority of my judgments concerning celebrities with as little factual basis and actual knowledge as possible.

This chick does drugs like Bobby Brown and gets rewarded with multiple Grammys. Video of her smoking crack surfaced 4 months ago, but the police decide to question her this week. She was released shortly thereafter, "pending further police enquiries." Look for her to get the Pete Dougherty (Kate Moss’ not-so-talented rocker boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend) treatment. He did 29 days of a 14 week sentence. I would say it’s a London thing, but how many days did Paris Hilton do of her sentence? Exactly. Maybe it’s a trashy-looking female celebrity thing. Amy has a dope-ass voice, and sings like no one around, but is that enough to justify her being treated with kid-gloves, rewarded even, for abusing drugs? I’m not here to judge drug abusers, lord knows I’ve grown up with my issues, but I don’t understand why folks want her to succeed so bad when other celebrities never get anything resembling a second chance. And don’t refer to Bobby Brown’s reality show as a second chance. That was an opportunity to take a camera into the cars of train wreck. And I sure did watch it.

Electrifying conclusion: I guess Ms.Winehouse just can’t be touched. She’s Teflon Amy in my book from now on.

If I make it out of this week alive and sane, we throw some Foghat into the car stereo, and, ditch this town, and kick some biscuit flower with a coupla pretty young dropouts.

You ever feel like this?

My life is unprecedented, I am the first
To not give a fuck so much, the irony hurts
Inside of me lurks the best of guys
But they suggest I lie, let me testify
When your gift is heaven-sent, then they put you through hell
That’s why I tell young people to be secure in themselves
I could accept criticism when it’s coming from love
But when it’s from a place of hate, then dude ‘fuck off’
I’ve learned to act like what they say don’t hurt
Like my ears are square, and they don’t work
If you do something for so long, eventually it’s you
And the impression is that I’m too impressed with myself
But the message is that I want it the most
Approved by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost
A lot of people are out acting like they’re one of the three
Why does it make you feel funny when it’s coming from me?
Is it because I’m not the type to be reaching for help?
Well, some people believe, and some people believe in themselves
I’m one in six billion, aint nobody tell me so
I had to discover for myself what’s been rarely known
That’s how it gotta go sometime, you feel me bro?
Some were to jealous to help me, or help me grow
Used to feel bad when they said I thought that I was the man
Then I thought about it and concluded,

Damn right I am.

StarPower. And I approve this message.