Sunday, November 22, 2009

That Wouldn't Have Happened If She Would've Went To See The OTHER "New Moon"

This Canadian lady lost her health benefits after Facebook photos of her at a strip club and other fun places provided evidence of her not being depressed.

Electrifying conclusion: The poll at the end of the article read "Are you on Facebook? Yes/no?" I was like shiiiiiiit, I wouldn't wanna tell y'all muthaf-ckas after reading that! I guess when your country has universal healthcare, you give up certain liberties, like the right to try to find happiness somewhere, at some point, and let people know that you aren't on the verge of suicide. And really, who the fuck goes to Chippendales? I know I'm a straight guy and I may not have the greatest perspective on such things, but that place just seems creepy. Dudes in bowties and g-strings. I don't know of anyone who's been there that wasn't in character on an '80s sitcom at the time. You must be depressed to go there, that should have been enough proof to extend her sick leave.

"Twilight: New Moon" pulled in almost $73 million on FRIDAY. One day. Biggest Friday opening ever and it's $140 million weekend was the 3rd largest ever behind "The Dark Knight" and "Spider-Man 3."

Electrifying conclusion: I refuse to cheat on "True Blood," plus I have no desire to. I am intrigued by the prospect of getting my werewolf fix though. "True Blood" needs to step up their werewolf game. I guess I can catch up on these flicks before they get to part 19 like the "Harry Potters" and "Lord of the Rings" joints I ignored.

My sister said her lil 17 year old boyfriend would give me a good fight bc he's 6'1" and built and I'm...neither. But I got big brother power. She also said my arthritic shoulder could present difficulty. She should've never said that. Now when I see him, it's over for him. Me and Merc, maybe Just Holla too, gonna lump that nigga. That's what he gets for wanting to be tall and healthy and shit and dating my little sister. Now he gets to receive a visit from the Powers of Pain. That's right.

Nena just saw Foxy Brown in a Brooklyn restaurant and confirmed that she has enormous boob implants. Plus "fake eyelashes down to her lips," lol. Neither of which she needed. I know how many feel about her, but that was one beautiful black woman. Still is probably, underneath. But who am I to judge, from behind my electric mask?

I'm StarPower and I approve this message.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Make Like Sammy Sosa & Lighten Up!

So, the "Mall Santas of America" say they should be given priority in receiving swine flu shots, not only bc they are around lots of kids, but bc overweight people have a greater risk of contracting h1n1.

Electrifying Conclusion: First of all, if bein around kids gives u priority, then line up moms, teachers, and pedos for the first batches of pig shots. Santas only have to tolerate the buggers for a hard 3 weeks or so. Second, they should be glad fatness is coming in handy for once. Message to the "MSOA" - how dare u demand accomodations for your fatness? Either shut up and let your girth be the reason you eat EVEN BETTER 'round holiday season, or lose some f-cking poundage and get a real job. Or, you guys can lose some weight and re-conceptualize Santa's image. Create a whole ad compaign for it; Santas in red skinny jeans, furry white scarves, and stylish Gaytch & M (no offense, I go hard at H & M - pause!) skullcaps.

Just wanna ask y'all to please tolerate the no-frills posts as I make an attempt to return to blogging consistently. My living situation only allows me to update from my iPhone most of the time, and as awesome as it is, I realize there still isn't a phone that supports blogging. Texting, social networking, organizing, yes. Blogging no. Mobile blogging (along with my mobile web skills) are a bit limited. But we're here for the words anyway, no?

Yeah I'm dissappointed with Sammy Sosa's open display of self hatred (he looks f-cking happy bro), but I'm more horrified than anything. Nigga look SCARY as a white Dominican. Whitening cream is already popular, after this, sales are gonna be astronomical. And it's a shame, not only for the obvious reasons, but because melanin is damn near MAGICAL. We still dont know of all it's properties, and I have reason to believe in it's inhuman, super-sapien capabilities. I also believe that, like energy, it cannot be destroyed, so maybe (sadly) Sam's change will just be a cosmetic one.

Syndicators are saying they will pay drastically less for "The Oprah Winfrey Show" when contract renewal talks come up soon. This is due to the recession and the fact that her show is showing signs of slipping. She's still queen of talk, but she's falling off a bit, ratings-wise.

Electrifying Conclusion: Hov said it best - "Even if I fell, I'd land on a buncha money." Besides the 2 billion reasons she has not to give a f-ck 'bout some syndicators, Oprah's about to start her own cable network. Guess what it's gonna be called - OWN. As in "Oprah Wins Niggas." or so I've been told by a voice in my head.