Friday, July 9, 2010

That Wasn't A Girl Katy, It Was Russell

According to the AP, Mel Turpin, former NBA player and All-American Kentucky center, committed suicide Thursday, authorities said. He was 49.

Margaret Burrus, his sister, tearfully told reporters outside her home that her brother was diabetic and trying to keep it under control.

"I didn't know he was depressed or anything,'' she said. "I would have never said that he would have done this.''

R.I.P. Big Guy.

Electrifying conclusion: No, he did not commit suicide after LeBron announced his decision yesterday. He could have been depressed ever since 1990, the year he was bounced out of the league, and the Dream Team started being assembled. Dude was not only in the greatest draft in history (1984 - Jordan, Olajuwon, Barkley, Stockton, etc.) - he was the sixth pick. Ouch. Somebody give Lancaster Gordon a call.

Go ahead and make yourself believe Mel Gibson is the only Hollywood superstar that behaves like he does.

Serena won again. In case you didn't know. I mean Wimbledon, not this nonsense.

Dude, there was a "spy swap" between The U.S. and Russia?! "The U.S. and Russia orchestrated the largest spy swap since the Cold War, exchanging 10 spies arrested in the U.S. for four convicted in Russia in an elaborately choreographed diplomatic dance Friday at Vienna's airport." They also reported, "The handover allowed Vienna to add yet another distinctive event to its long history as a key site for diplomacy, the capital of neutral Austria being the preferred place to work on treaties and agreements to reduce U.S.-Soviet tensions during the Cold War."

Electrifying conclusion: Lemme tell you something, b. I like the term "elaborately choreographed diplomatic dance," although it sounds like what you do with a stuck up chick you've been putting in work with, who's not planning to give you any quim at the end of the night. Lemme tell you something else. The real spy aint none of these people. It's that bad-ass little adoptee that lady sent back to Russia a little while back. He knows all types of secrets. I bet there are a gang of Reagan-era good ol' boys quoting Jay-Z in "Blue Magic," - "Niggas wanna bring the 80s back/That's OK wit' me, that's where they made me at!"


Yo, I don't even know what LiLo is being locked up for. I guess for escaping time successfully thus far. The real crime though is how hot she isn't compared to how hot she used to be. Used to be one of the absolute baddest white bitches out. Curvy, killer red hair, nice smile, sexy voice. Damn, now it's bones and botox.

So, apparently when Katy Perry made her #1 smash "California Girls," she was paying homage to 2Pac as much as she was to the state. She claims 'Pac would've done a 360 in the grave had he heard "Empire State of Mind" being played at an L.A. Grammy party. Since there wasn't anyone else making music for gangbangers to gangbang to, and rappers to get killed over, she felt like she might be able to do something about that.

Electrifying conclusion: So much wrong here. And I don't hate the song. But so much wrong here. Just to be safe, Perry also recruited Snoop Dogg for a languid verse about bikinis and martinis. "An original west coast O.G.," she says. "The perfect cherry on top." Goodness. 'Pac would roll over in his grave by hearing Snoop described as the "cherry on top" for a (delightfully) trashy song by Russell "Does-Acting-Like-A-Comedian-But-Looking-Like-A-Rock-Star-Make-Me-A-'Cock'-Star?" Brand's fiance.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

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