Saturday, July 31, 2010

Move Over Hannah - There's A New Montana In Smutville! (Ooh, That Was Harsh)

Laurence Fishburne's daughter is hoping to fast-track herself to porn stardom. "Rather than submit an acting reel or attend auditions, young Montana Fishburne plans to use a sex tape to increase her profile and give her a foothold in the film industry.

According to a press release, Vivid Entertainment, which also distributed Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian's sex tape, will handle the release of Montana Fishburne's self-titled video, which is due out August 18th.

She said she was inspired by Kim Kardashian, who shot to instant fame after her own sex tape was made public several years ago.

"I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape by Vivid," Fishburne said in the press release." I'm hoping the same magic will work for me. I'm impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it."

Electrifying conclusion: Her pops is pulling in "CSI" paper, and they are NOT estranged. So yeah, we've moved to a new level of instant gratification and nonsense logic. She's patterning her career path after Kim Kardashian, because well, who wouldn't? Meaning she's hoping that some current high school McDonald's All-American will be slutting her out around, oh, let's say 2015. She doesn't want to do ANYTHING that will take ANY real effort, and is willing to accept a sliver of infamy (she's after the fame, not success, if you ask me, which you didn't but you should have) and try to dress it up as achievement of some sort. I really don't feel like she's doing it for the bread, and if it was about some sort of success, is school or some sort of work not an option? I guess gettin' her face moisturized by Brian Pumper takes work, but whatever...yo, lemme tell you about an incident we had with this dude a few years back. Pumper, a Lloyd Banks look-alike by the way, was at a club my crew was at with our ladies one night, walking around with a mini-dvd player showing off his work. Once my dude Staff Ace realized what was going on, and that his girl was one of the chicks he was showing his film to (I don't know why; constructive criticism maybe?) , Ace assumed some sort of solicitation was going on and screamed on his chick, pulled her away and then prepared to give Pumper the type of pounding he wouldn't enjoy. Mr. Porn Star must've been alone because he wanted no parts of Ace and copped all sorts of pleas, which ended in him telling Ace that he could also make a lucrative living filming himself trying not to get STD's and showing it to other niggas' girls in clubs. I played my usual voice of reason role and simmered things down. Good times...but back to the chick who already has a porn name - Montana Fishburne (where the hell did she get "Chippy D" from?) - yeah she's a slattern. Not for wanting to fuck on tape, but for selling her soul through her pussy, unnecessarily, at 19.
R.I.P. to Jack Tatum. He's the former Oakland Raiders great who paralyzed another player, Daryl Stingley, for life with a hit during a game. Many believe that a lack of remorse on his part has kept him out of the Football Hall of Fame. From what I've gathered Jack just felt like he was doing nothing but playing a violent game the way it should be played. No judgment here. Tragedy no matter how you look at it.

There are rumors of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler being the next "American Idol" judges after Kara Dioguardi was fired after just two seasons and Ellen DeGeneres quit after one (yeah right, she knew she was gonna get fired and tried to take a li'l control over the situation - I aint mad though, that's good bidness!).

Electrifying conclusion: I don't watch "Idol" much, but the revolving judge situation is mildly amusing. Simon Cowell is VERY amusing and without him, you don't get the casual fan, obviously. J.Lo and Steven might though, if I might personalize things a bit. I haven't found J.Lo compelling in anything she's done after South Central, but I anticipate her mannequinization of one of their judge slots being an entertaining 7th viewing option on a slow t.v. night when my wife has a "headache." And Steven Tyler might actually have some really good insight for the young hopefuls. Even still, ratings probably won't ever return to the Simon-Randy-Paula days unless they start letting rappers try out. In front of the same judges. THAT'LL be worth my brain rotting for an hour or so.

As much as I'm not a fan of the person, the actor Angelina Jolie was as bad a bitch in "Salt" as she was in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith," "Wanted," and probably a few other flicks I never watched because she was involved. Saw it last night, and was magnetized every second.

Yo, Chippy looks like a whore-rified Amerie, doesn't she? She looks good to go, bro. I might support.

Remember the DC Sniper Lee Boyd Malvo? Well, he confessed to William Shatner (yeah, mad random, right?) about other murders he committed, I guess in addition to the killings he's serving time for, the joints that shut down VA and Maryland a while back. He and his mentor apparently tried to recruit a whole gang of shooters to do more damage nationwide. Wild.

Electrifying conclusion: So the alleged motive for the mass murders was a desire to help homeless black kids. Remember that Malvo was acting under the direction of John Muhammed, who told him that "the $10 million ransom sought from the US government to stop the sniper killings would be used to establish a Utopian society for 140 black homeless children on a Canadian compound." But check this shit out - The Real Plan: Part of his testimony concerned Muhammad's complete, multiphase plan. His plan consisted of three phases in the Washington, D.C. and Baltimore metro areas. Phase One consisted of meticulously planning, mapping, and practicing their locations around the DC area. This way after each shooting they would be able to quickly leave the area on a predetermined path, and move on to the next location. Muhammad's goal in Phase One was to kill six white people a day for 30 days. Malvo went on to describe how Phase One did not go as planned due to heavy traffic and the lack of a clear shot and/or getaway at different locations.

Phase Two was meant to be moved up to Baltimore. Malvo described how this phase was close to being implemented, but never was carried out. Phase Two was intended to begin by killing a pregnant woman by shooting her in the stomach. The next step would have been to shoot and kill a Baltimore police officer. At the officer's funeral, there were to be created several improvised explosive devices. These explosives were intended to kill a large number of police, since many police would attend another officer's funeral.

The last phase was to take place very shortly after, if not during, Phase Two. The third phase was to extort several million dollars from the U.S. government. This money would be used to finance a larger plan: to travel north into Canada and recruit other effectively orphaned boys to use weapons and stealth, and send them out to commit shootings across the country."
Ambitious. I once spit a rhyme that stated, "I lay it down like mouse pads/ and got the same kinda father figures Lee Malvo had." I thought that was hard, but it was really just dumb. But it was kinda hard though. Just call me M.C. UndaInvestigation.

I'm StarPower and I approve this message.

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