Fool Me Three Times and I Must Be Halle Berry or A Scott Hall Fan

Apparently, Halle Berry is single. Again. And the world wants to know who she's going to end up disappointed by next. After an abusive baseball player (whose last name is Justice, haha!), a sex-addicted singer (nowadays, it really is acceptable to call wanting to smash, and then smashing, every hot chick who allows you to "sex-addiction;" GOTTA love our culture of little-to-no-accountability) , and a male model looking for a come up, Halle is back like Dip Set. And I'm expecting the results to be just as tragic.

Electrifying conclusion: She may be the most beautiful woman the world can ever remember seeing. But that doesn't make her smart, or even a good actress (her "Monster's Ball" performance was terrible and I can't remember ever being impacted by a performance of hers, although she plays an excellent "scared b-tch"). She's the ultimate tragic mulatto. C'mon, you dated a star athlete, an r&b crooner, and an underwear model. Talk about asking to be stepped on. Maybe try a black dude this time, Halle? Like, an actual black dude, not these halfricans you seem to enjoy. At least you have a reason not to be surprised when it goes sour - everyone expects a nigga to fuck up eventually! Or you can pull a LeBron and totally fuck the game up by...getting with another woman. Another beautiful famous woman who's been wronged time and time again, like Jennifer Aniston. I know she's straight but we can work out the details while we film the sex tape.

Yo, they found a unicorn deer. I would assume an animal that can grow a horn out of the middle of it's head is a fucking evil demon, not a a mythical creature, but that's just me I guess.

I hate those 30-second "Cover Girl" and "Geico" commercials I have to wait through while I try to get my nature video on.

In other "Light-Skinned Middle-Aged Black People Who Are Still Living Well Off Of Past Fame" news, Prince stupidly declares the internet to be "over." He isn't releasing his latest mediocre album for digital download.


Electrifying conclusion: Let's love (that's my new shit, btw - "let's love") this article that kindly shits on him by giving us MAD examples of why the internet is mad NOT over. He's a jackass (say it like Obama dissing Kanye).

Non-wrestling fans probably didn't get the Scott Hall reference in the title. He's a wrestler who keeps getting comeback chances even though he always fucks them up because he's a horrible person when he gets drunk, which apparently happens a lot, but he also happens to be one of the most gifted (and well-connected) performers the industry has ever seen. I missed his heyday, so I take everyone's word for it.

This guy though, been a thorn in America's side since before the Kennedy Administration (!) and he still aint dead. Don't be surprised if he outlasts Obama. And don't be surprised by the fact that I don't know, or care to look up, who was president before Kennedy (Eisenhower?).

I was gonna write more in-depth about speed dating and analyze this "Cosmo"-esque article on the subject until I realized that speed dating is bullshit because it's missing the one element that would seal the deal much quicker and make for a much greater percentage of successful (and at the very least, short-term) relationships - sex. Let them talk for 3 1/2 minutes, fuck for 1, and debrief for 30 seconds. Only takes about 3 minutes to know if the person intrigues you, and if you can get the chick off (or something close to it) in a minute or less, you should be good to go. The last 30 seconds would feature the chick telling the dude "who her daddy is" if it was good or even watching the guy do the "beat it up right" dance; if it was bad, the chick can feel ashamed and the guy can nap for 30 seconds (you KNOW the guy is gonna make sure HE gets off within that minute). Win-win for all involved, no?

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

That Wasn't A Girl Katy, It Was Russell

According to the AP, Mel Turpin, former NBA player and All-American Kentucky center, committed suicide Thursday, authorities said. He was 49.

Margaret Burrus, his sister, tearfully told reporters outside her home that her brother was diabetic and trying to keep it under control.

"I didn't know he was depressed or anything,'' she said. "I would have never said that he would have done this.''

R.I.P. Big Guy.

Electrifying conclusion: No, he did not commit suicide after LeBron announced his decision yesterday. He could have been depressed ever since 1990, the year he was bounced out of the league, and the Dream Team started being assembled. Dude was not only in the greatest draft in history (1984 - Jordan, Olajuwon, Barkley, Stockton, etc.) - he was the sixth pick. Ouch. Somebody give Lancaster Gordon a call.

Go ahead and make yourself believe Mel Gibson is the only Hollywood superstar that behaves like he does.

Serena won again. In case you didn't know. I mean Wimbledon, not this nonsense.

Dude, there was a "spy swap" between The U.S. and Russia?! "The U.S. and Russia orchestrated the largest spy swap since the Cold War, exchanging 10 spies arrested in the U.S. for four convicted in Russia in an elaborately choreographed diplomatic dance Friday at Vienna's airport." They also reported, "The handover allowed Vienna to add yet another distinctive event to its long history as a key site for diplomacy, the capital of neutral Austria being the preferred place to work on treaties and agreements to reduce U.S.-Soviet tensions during the Cold War."

Electrifying conclusion: Lemme tell you something, b. I like the term "elaborately choreographed diplomatic dance," although it sounds like what you do with a stuck up chick you've been putting in work with, who's not planning to give you any quim at the end of the night. Lemme tell you something else. The real spy aint none of these people. It's that bad-ass little adoptee that lady sent back to Russia a little while back. He knows all types of secrets. I bet there are a gang of Reagan-era good ol' boys quoting Jay-Z in "Blue Magic," - "Niggas wanna bring the 80s back/That's OK wit' me, that's where they made me at!"

Yo, I don't even know what LiLo is being locked up for. I guess for escaping time successfully thus far. The real crime though is how hot she isn't compared to how hot she used to be. Used to be one of the absolute baddest white bitches out. Curvy, killer red hair, nice smile, sexy voice. Damn, now it's bones and botox.

So, apparently when Katy Perry made her #1 smash "California Girls," she was paying homage to 2Pac as much as she was to the state. She claims 'Pac would've done a 360 in the grave had he heard "Empire State of Mind" being played at an L.A. Grammy party. Since there wasn't anyone else making music for gangbangers to gangbang to, and rappers to get killed over, she felt like she might be able to do something about that.

Electrifying conclusion: So much wrong here. And I don't hate the song. But so much wrong here. Just to be safe, Perry also recruited Snoop Dogg for a languid verse about bikinis and martinis. "An original west coast O.G.," she says. "The perfect cherry on top." Goodness. 'Pac would roll over in his grave by hearing Snoop described as the "cherry on top" for a (delightfully) trashy song by Russell "Does-Acting-Like-A-Comedian-But-Looking-Like-A-Rock-Star-Make-Me-A-'Cock'-Star?" Brand's fiance.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

Tiger $tyle & More

Jared Fogle, the "Subway" dude who lost 245 lbs & gained a lucrative endorsement career, has been spotted looking like he gained a good amount of that weight back - subway-guy-falls-off-the-diet-wagon/

Electrifying conclusion: Makes perfect sense if you ask me, which you didn't, but should've. He dropped the weight so he could get laid (maybe for health reasons as well - maybe), but now that he's paid, he doesn't need to starve himself to get laid. He probably "eats fresh" quim at least once a week, because many chicks can't pass up the opportunity to bone a celebrity. I say, more power to the fat-faced f-ck. (Alliterative insults in the hooouuuuse, owww!)

Yo, the biggest audio recording debut in recent weeks wasn't 50 Cent or Rhianna, not even Susan Boyle's mega-selling album. It's the messages Tiger left in some 21 year-old tart's voicemail inbox.

Electrifying conclusion: "I'll wear you out," "When was the last time you got f-cked?" Wildin'. I know I'm probably not the first nigga to call him Niger Woods, but I feel like I am and the thought makes me proud. Yo, if he's worth a billy, and his wife gets 1/2 of a percent, that's still like $5 million! 0.5%! So if she gets 10% that means he was up in some $100 million p-ssy, no? I'm sayin', just trying to put it all in perspective.

How wack is the word "transgressions?" How much fun was taken outta the whole situation once Tiger fell on his sword?

"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me..."
I like that sh-t man. Don't tell nobody though. Or do, whatever.

Serena Williams was fined $82,500 for her profane tirade at the U.S. Open, a record fine by far.

Electrifying conclusion: Covered in beautiful melanin, blessed with a godess' body, a killer smile, & unique determination, Serena is beyond fine.

Beyonce just topped all artists with 10 Grammy nominations, it was announced yesterday. She is competing with Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga in the most coveted categories (Album, Song, & Record of the Year).

Electrifying Conclusion: She won't win half of them, but damn, just to get that many nominations (hubby got 5 of his own, btw), I mean, despite the mounds of hate, pretenders, and (in my opinion) tacky songs, she gets larger every year. More (Star)power to her, I say. You gotta admit - the bitch is BAD.

I'm StarPower, and I approve this message.

That Wouldn't Have Happened If She Would've Went To See The OTHER "New Moon"

This Canadian lady lost her health benefits after Facebook photos of her at a strip club and other fun places provided evidence of her not being depressed. http://news.aol.com/article/nathalie-blanchard-says-she-lost/778856

Electrifying conclusion: The poll at the end of the article read "Are you on Facebook? Yes/no?" I was like shiiiiiiit, I wouldn't wanna tell y'all muthaf-ckas after reading that! I guess when your country has universal healthcare, you give up certain liberties, like the right to try to find happiness somewhere, at some point, and let people know that you aren't on the verge of suicide. And really, who the fuck goes to Chippendales? I know I'm a straight guy and I may not have the greatest perspective on such things, but that place just seems creepy. Dudes in bowties and g-strings. I don't know of anyone who's been there that wasn't in character on an '80s sitcom at the time. You must be depressed to go there, that should have been enough proof to extend her sick leave.

"Twilight: New Moon" pulled in almost $73 million on FRIDAY. One day. Biggest Friday opening ever and it's $140 million weekend was the 3rd largest ever behind "The Dark Knight" and "Spider-Man 3."

Electrifying conclusion: I refuse to cheat on "True Blood," plus I have no desire to. I am intrigued by the prospect of getting my werewolf fix though. "True Blood" needs to step up their werewolf game. I guess I can catch up on these flicks before they get to part 19 like the "Harry Potters" and "Lord of the Rings" joints I ignored.

My sister said her lil 17 year old boyfriend would give me a good fight bc he's 6'1" and built and I'm...neither. But I got big brother power. She also said my arthritic shoulder could present difficulty. She should've never said that. Now when I see him, it's over for him. Me and Merc, maybe Just Holla too, gonna lump that nigga. That's what he gets for wanting to be tall and healthy and shit and dating my little sister. Now he gets to receive a visit from the Powers of Pain. That's right.

Nena just saw Foxy Brown in a Brooklyn restaurant and confirmed that she has enormous boob implants. Plus "fake eyelashes down to her lips," lol. Neither of which she needed. I know how many feel about her, but that was one beautiful black woman. Still is probably, underneath. But who am I to judge, from behind my electric mask?

I'm StarPower and I approve this message.

Make Like Sammy Sosa & Lighten Up!

So, the "Mall Santas of America" say they should be given priority in receiving swine flu shots, not only bc they are around lots of kids, but bc overweight people have a greater risk of contracting h1n1. http://www.wptv.com/content/health/story/Swine-flu-fears-for-mall-santas/17J4rO4h-UuUUlbS2YtavA.cspx

Electrifying Conclusion: First of all, if bein around kids gives u priority, then line up moms, teachers, and pedos for the first batches of pig shots. Santas only have to tolerate the buggers for a hard 3 weeks or so. Second, they should be glad fatness is coming in handy for once. Message to the "MSOA" - how dare u demand accomodations for your fatness? Either shut up and let your girth be the reason you eat EVEN BETTER 'round holiday season, or lose some f-cking poundage and get a real job. Or, you guys can lose some weight and re-conceptualize Santa's image. Create a whole ad compaign for it; Santas in red skinny jeans, furry white scarves, and stylish Gaytch & M (no offense, I go hard at H & M - pause!) skullcaps.

Just wanna ask y'all to please tolerate the no-frills posts as I make an attempt to return to blogging consistently. My living situation only allows me to update from my iPhone most of the time, and as awesome as it is, I realize there still isn't a phone that supports blogging. Texting, social networking, organizing, yes. Blogging no. Mobile blogging (along with my mobile web skills) are a bit limited. But we're here for the words anyway, no?

Yeah I'm dissappointed with Sammy Sosa's open display of self hatred (he looks f-cking happy bro), but I'm more horrified than anything. Nigga look SCARY as a white Dominican. Whitening cream is already popular, after this, sales are gonna be astronomical. And it's a shame, not only for the obvious reasons, but because melanin is damn near MAGICAL. We still dont know of all it's properties, and I have reason to believe in it's inhuman, super-sapien capabilities. I also believe that, like energy, it cannot be destroyed, so maybe (sadly) Sam's change will just be a cosmetic one.

Syndicators are saying they will pay drastically less for "The Oprah Winfrey Show" when contract renewal talks come up soon. This is due to the recession and the fact that her show is showing signs of slipping. She's still queen of talk, but she's falling off a bit, ratings-wise.

Electrifying Conclusion: Hov said it best - "Even if I fell, I'd land on a buncha money." Besides the 2 billion reasons she has not to give a f-ck 'bout some syndicators, Oprah's about to start her own cable network. Guess what it's gonna be called - OWN. As in "Oprah Wins Niggas." or so I've been told by a voice in my head.

Vanessa Hudgens Want You To Possess Child Porn

This is f-cking wild. First, I heard that Vanessa Hudgens had some new nudes online yesterday. And I was like, "Oh word, Vanessa Hudgens? You wanna be 20 years old, and supposedly-chaste due to it being a requirement of the company you work for (although Disney is actually a slut factory when you think about it - Brit, Xtina, Miley, Vanessa, etc.), and you wanna have nude pics online for the SECOND time, and you want those pics to show everything, even hairy bush, and you wanna have just the nipples you were imagined to have? Word, Vanessa Hudgens? You wanna act like they get leaked against your wishes, like you don't know that nude pics of you are gonna find their way out, especially a SECOND time? And you wanna risk mad dudes getting caught risking a quick NSFW click at the job, and mad niggas gettin' caught lookin' at young white b-tches on their wives' and girlfriends' laptops? Word, Vanessa Hudgens?"

Now, I...er, Merc goes to give them a quick look a few minutes ago, and I, er, I mean, Merc finds out that mad sites took the new jawns down because she might been 17, or something like that at the time the pics were taken. Meaning, if you have them, you are in possession of child porn.

Electrifying conclusion: Word, Vanessa Hudgens' lawyers? Y'all get to keep the masters in a safe, and those of us who didn't right click "save picture as" yesterday are s.o.l. now? That's dirty.

Would ya look at that - http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=4383960, Lebron is gonna "explore his options" in '10. Of course he is maaaan! Did you really think he was gonna stay in Cleveland? By '10, he would have given them 6 strong years. He paid his hometown debt. Now it's time for "Guitar Jimmy" Dolan (as Mike Lupica would put it) to do something good for Knicks fans for once. In one fell swoop he can make up for most of the tragedy he's brought to the Garden.

Apparently, Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice sleeps at Wal-Mart sometimes. This is how the AP tells it:

Justice Clarence Thomas' wife, Ginni, told 'The Takeaway,' a public radio show, she and her husband have stayed overnight in dozens of Wal-Mart lots while traveling around the country in their 40-foot bus. "It's one of our favorite things to do," she revealed in a phone interview this week while on the road in the Adirondacks. The Thomases like to keep a low profile when they travel and the parking lots provide a measure of anonymity. So many people recognized the justice at one campground, Mrs. Thomas recalled, they had to stop going there.

Electrifing conclusion: I don't care about none of that Americana-ass sh-t, I'm just wondering if he still harassin' b-tches? Didn't this nigga put a pubic hair or some wild sh-t in Anita Hill's cola or something like that. That's why that nigga's keepin' a low profile. Puttin' nut hairs on the rim of chicks' coke can. That's dirty. As dirty as your hidden folder with the Hudgens pics, the R. Kelly tape, and all that Judy Winslow porn.

Who's surprised to hear that Billy Mays was on coke?

Let me preface the following statement by saying that I'm happily married :) And with that being said, if someone were to ask me what my ideal threesome would be, I'd probably say me, my wife, and our love.

Second place (distant second, of course): me, Julianne Moore, Stacy-Ann Gooden (she's not happy doing weather at Bronx 12, I can tell).

Or maybe, me, Linda Carter-as-Wonder Woman, and Sookie Stackhouse.

Or me and the "Sister Sister" twins.

Or me, Anita Hill, and Vanessa Hudgens.

Watch this be the only time my wife actually reads this blog.

I Wanna Do Bad Thiiiings To You

How f-cking good is "True Blood?" I mean, I thought it might provide some cheap thrills after reading David Bianculli's (Daily News) initial review (he was right about all of the gratuitous nudity) before it premiered, but I NEVER thought I'd be hooked like I am. I haven't been on a show like this since "The Wire" (though I doubt I'll ever be that captivated again), and before that, "Six Feet Under." HBO just has that formula (as they constantly remind you during those "99 Emmy Nomination" ads). My favorite characters are probably Bill and Eric. I'm waitin' for them niggas to clash over Sookie, who is starting to become annoying in her earnestness.

Electrifying conclusion: F-ck happened to "Tell Me You Love Me?" That show had MASSIVE amounts of graphic sex. And the characters were interesting. I'd trade "Entourage" for it; their cuttin' on Seth Rogen over there, and they got Turtle gettin' mile high handjobs from f-cking Meadow Soprano? C'mon!

I'm all for the reinstatement of Pete Rose! I don't at all agree with the betting, but he should be in the Hall for having 4,000 (!) hits and having played in more games than anyone. Plus, he got bodyslammed by WWE's Kane - twice. Give that man a plaque!

Is Morgan Freeman really gonna marry his 27 year old step granddaughter? Word?

Vernon Forrest, world class boxer, the first to beat Sugar Shane Mosley, was murdered. According to the AP, Forrest, 38, was shot several times in the back Saturday night.

Electrifying conclusion: If you don't know about Vernon, you better ask. About his Destiny's Child foundation. About his work with the disabled. By all accounts, this was a really good dude. These athlete murders are getting outta control. I remember when he beat Sugar Shane. Back when Sugar Shane was what Floyd Mayweather is now. He achieved great late career success (I'm a big fan of that), and actually would have been a world champion at the time of his murder, if not for injuries which caused him to be stripped of the title. R.I.P.

I agree with Johnny Drama - grown men shouldn't buy other grown men birthday gifts.

Nas is ordered to pay Kelis 44 large every month for child support. The dope part is that he got this news right after the birth of his newborn. He also has to pay $45,000 to cover attorney and "gotcha nigga" fees.

Electrifying conclusion: Like everyone else, all I could think was, "Damn, Nas got paper like that? Of course he doesn't! And if he does, they made sure he won't anymore!" Sh-t, I must be missing something. He got hit up for not supporting her through pregnancy? What the hell?! He's in the wrong, but isn't the money for "child" support? "Child support," not "fetus support." $45,00 a month - because her albums brick? Is that it? Yo, that nigga better start releasing albums like No Limit did in the '90s from now on. Sheesh. Talk about cheaper to keep her.

Could Katie Holmes be the most overrated beauty in Hollywood? Maybe.

But were her tits fabulous in "The Gift?" Yes.

Was Selma Blair's sex scene in "Storytelling" as ridiculously arousing as it was racist? Absolutely.

Did that have anything to do with Katie Holmes? Of course not.